The Starving Bulls**t Artist

Look! Click on stuff! Laugh! Cry! Help Me!

What’s the Deal, Madame Bitters? April 21, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — madamebitters @ 5:23 am
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You, kind reader are probably wondering, “What’s the deal with this blog, The Starving Bulls**t Artist? Why the hell doesn’t she ever post?”

First off (before I make my excuses), I’d just like to thank my readers/contributors for their patience concerning my infrequent appearances.

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I’ve been having some problems with my computer– I can’t get on the damn thing.

Now, I’m not going to point fingers and make accusations that my roommates, Thom, Victoria, and Monique are inconsiderate, douche-bag, computer hogs. That’s not my style.

It’s also not my style to tell Thom to quit looking at porn because I’m tired of cleaning the office chair (and the floor beneath the chair– and the keyboard) after his frequent visits to those sites.

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No, I’m going to take the high road and say that my roommates and I are having “scheduling conflicts” and “suffering from addiction” and leave it at that.

But there is a light on the horizon.

I’ve ordered a laptop and it should be here no later than the 10th of next month. No more fighting over who’s turn it is to use the computer next and no more cleaning up after Thom’s turn.

I am counting the minutes.

Until then, those of you who are somewhat new to this blog should read every single post I’ve ever written– including the pages located in the top right corner.

There are 3 of them– “Please Allow Me to Introduce Myself,” “FAQS” and “Where I Came From.” It should give you newbies some insight into my pathology.

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For those of you who have been with me since Day 1, please sit tight and hang tough. This hurts me more than it hurts you.

Feel free to donate to my PayPal account. You may also suggest future topics that you’d like me to write about if some of you would like a bit of creative control.

I’m always open to suggestions and ideas. As long as they don’t suck!

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Thank you

~MB~

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23 Responses to “What’s the Deal, Madame Bitters?”

  1. alantru Says:

    There is that birdaphobia thing…

  2. jesusbudda Says:

    It could be worse.

    I don’t know how. But it could.

    Thom’s masturbatory problems could have something to do with it.
    Maybe if you sit on his lap while he’s online he’ll stop?

    • the problem with that is Thom doesn’t have much lap to sit on, know what I mean?

      I mean he’s fat– with a huge Jaba the Hutt belly.

      Even if he had enough of a lap for me to perch on, there isn’t enough soap and boiling hot water in the world for try it.

      Thanks for the suggestion.

  3. alantru Says:

    Gotta love those pyramids of evil contemplation.

    Until then… Perhaps some motivation…

  4. Saw the birds on a wire and I got a shivver of dread down my spine.

    alan, have I ever told you that you’re a sadistic bastard?

    I think that’s why we get along so well. Watch out though 😉

  5. jesusbudda Says:

    @ MB: “alan, have I ever told you that you’re a sadistic bastard”

    – I was thinking the same thing!
    Amazing.

    Alan, put down the whip.
    Alan?

    Alan????

    No, Lana, Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!

    And then we watched Hichcocks The Birds and laughed and cried and went to bed….

  6. “And then we watched Hichcocks The Birds and laughed and cried and went to bed….”

    — Did we all go to bed together? Who do you mean by ‘we’, anyway?

  7. jesusbudda Says:

    @ MB: “Who do you mean by ‘we’, anyway?”

    – Me and Alan, of course!

    or Lana as I call him when he wears the dress.

    Ahhhhh….THE Dress.
    A little off-the-shoulder number that reveals his pert breasts, with ruffles on the sleeves.

    And then we went to bed!

  8. alantru Says:

    Huh? Oh! Hey!

    Sorry about that I got fixated with my cat o’ nine tails. When looking for high quality whips nothing beats these babies. (Hmmm, interesting sentence)

    I think I was locked in my stupor because I was enslaved by brutal mind control tactics of madamebitters.

    Her powers are growing with each day.

    Bwehahahahaha!

  9. JB: “Me and Alan of course!”

    — Oh, of course! What was I thinking? On another topic, do you wear a dress too? Is it a smutty dress or is it more like a ‘Little House on the Prarie’ style?

    alan: “Her powers are growing each day.”

    — Why thank you, alan! I have been practicing. So glad you noticed!

    And, yes Cat-o-Nine tails are THE best whips money can buy. Or so I’ve been told. Every good dominatrix owns at least one. You are a savvy consumer, alan.

    But don’t beat babies with them!

  10. jesusbudda Says:

    @ Alan: “Huh? Oh! Hey!”

    – I love it when he’s speechless.

    @ MB: “On another topic, do you wear a dress too? Is it a smutty dress or is it more like a ‘Little House on the Prarie’ style?”

    – I’m the man’.
    I wear elasticated, heavy-duty underwear with pictures of ‘man things’ on them.

    Thats ‘man things’ as in construction equipment, sports cars, monster trucks and people being killed in wars sorta stuff…..not pictures of a man’s ‘things’.

    • “I wear elasticated, heavy-duty underwear with pictures of ‘man things’ on them.”

      — Really?! Are you serious? So do I!

      “Thats ‘man things’ as in construction equipment, sports cars, monster trucks and people being killed in wars sorta stuff…..not pictures of a man’s ‘things’.”

      — Oh. I wear the kind with the other ‘things’ on them.

      This is awkward…..

  11. womaninblack Says:

    “Steeples fingers into a pyramid of evil contemplation” – God, I wish I’d written that.
    The last picture of my mother-in-law was uncalled for, though.

  12. WiB: “The last picture of my mother-in-law was uncalled for, though.”

    — Was it WiB? Are you sure about that? While I’ve never had the pleasure of having in-laws, every MIL joke in existince suggests otherwise.

  13. alantru Says:

    “I’ve never had the pleasure of having in-laws”

    I believe you: Only someone who has never had in-laws would describe having them as a “pleasure.”

    😉

    • You’re too right, alan. I’ve never had inlaws or been married for that matter. I know, I know; you’re shocked that a catch like me is still swimming in the murky pond of singledom.

      The fact that I havent been “caught”, thrown in a boat, gutted and de-boned and then finally fried over a campfire while ghost stories are told shocks me as well. But what are you gonna do, right?

      No, seriously. Tell me what you’re gonna do.

  14. jesusbudda Says:

    “No, seriously. Tell me what you’re gonna do.”

    – Learn Mongolian.
    Seriously.
    I think it might help.

    It did wonders for me.

  15. alantru Says:

    jesusbudda: Okay, I have to know… When you say “Learn Mongolian” you mean the language? If so (or more intriguingly, if not) how did it work wonders for you?

    I’ve even go so far as to research if the Buddha spoke Mongolian.

    Don’t leave me hanging here…

    madamebiiters: I will think on this. Learning Mongolian may be the answer. Hopefully all will be resolved soon…

  16. jesusbudda Says:

    @ Alan : “Okay, I have to know… When you say “Learn Mongolian” you mean the language? If so (or more intriguingly, if not) how did it work wonders for you?”

    – They have a language?????

    I just learned Mongolian – as in – learned to be a Mongolian.
    ya know, live a tent on the great plains, ride a horse bareback (ouch, my groin!!!), develop a very wide face, drink tea made from goat and camel milk, wear lots of layers of clothing and….spit. You can’t be a good Mongolian (or Mongo, as we refer to ourselves) without spitting. Gotta be a spitter to be a decent, honest mongo.

    Hows it helped me?, you ask…
    Well, I’ve got terrible sinus, a back back, a strained muscle in my neck and shoulder and a throbbing headache.
    I’ve never felt better in my life!!!!!

    Oh shit………….

  17. alantru Says:

    I’m going to focus on the line “I’ve never felt better in my life.”

    madamebitters, you might want to learn Mongolian. I know I’m going to. Going Mongolian sounds like a miracle cure. And who better to look for for miracles than a guy with ‘jesus’ in his name?

    • Hmmm.

      You (and therefore JB) may be right about learning Mongloian. Or how to BE Mongolian. Retarded people used to be called mongoloids. I miss the days before PC speak.

      I’ll take it under advisement

  18. alantru Says:

    Please keep us apprised.


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