The Starving Bulls**t Artist

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Would You Like Maine Lobster With Your Lap Dance, Sir? May 5, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — madamebitters @ 2:18 am

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I share the city I live in with about 1.2 million others who also have the honor of calling it home.


That doesn’t sound too impressive compared with population of New York City (over 8 million) or Los Angeles (just under 4 million) but it’s not a contest, is it?


Oh, it is a contest? Shit! Why am I always the last person to find these things out?!


Well, here’s some interesting information that may redeem the reputation of the city I live in: It has the most strip clubs (both nude and topless) per square mile than any other city in the US!


While that may not be something most people are proud of, it does explain why so many of the strip clubs here serve food.


Nearly every radio station in the area plays a commercial for at least one strip club at every break.  Of course, they aren’t called “strip clubs,” “titty bars”, or “nudie bars”. They’re referred to as “Gentleman’s Clubs”.


The radio adverts always promise  (along with the “friendliest, sexiest ladies in town”) a five star, all you can eat buffet that’s usually free with the price of admission.


Nine times out of ten, the woman reading the ad- she always has a sexy voice BTW- lists a few of the things on the buffet. They invariably include rib-eye, New York strip, and porterhouse steaks, spare and baby-back ribs, lamb, veal, and all types of shellfish- including Maine lobster.


My question to all of you is:

Does anyone else find this disgusting beyond belief, or is it just me?


When someone mentions a strip club, do you immediately think of

  • Naked (or nearly naked) dancers gyrating within close proximity of you?


  • Eating a meal– with naked dancers gyrating dangerously close to your dinner?


People who prepare food in restaurants, cafeterias etc are required by law to wear hairnets at all times.


There’s no law requiring the same of strippers. Whose hair would you rather find on your baby-back ribs? Hair from the head Juan the grill cook? Or pubic hair from Cristal the Naughty Nun?

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I look forward to all of your replies.


15 Responses to “Would You Like Maine Lobster With Your Lap Dance, Sir?”

  1. alantru Says:

    I’m going to say none and go to a family restaurant instead.

    So is it come for the strippers and stay for the food… Or the other way around?

    Bob: What’d you think of the strip club, Gary?
    Gary: Meh. The lobster was undercooked and the potatoes were cold.

    I seem to recall you mentioning you lived in a dry town. Is this what you get when there’s no booze?

    • I live between 2 large cities. In and around the 2 cities are a about 2 dozen suburbs.

      In the suburbs it’s impossible to find liquor. Some of these suburbs don’t even sell beer or wine.

      The city I’m speaking of isn’t dry, but the same rules apply where the actual purchase of booze is concerned.

      I know all of this because I worked as a cocktail server for a couple of years and I had to have a license to sell/serve booze.

      The majority of people where I live are Baptist/southern Baptist and Methodist.

      You may see a Baptist preacher go into a strip club on a Saturday night and then not leave until dawn on Sunday morning.

      But you’d better beleive he’ll be in that pulpit giving the sermon- even if he has to go to a gas station washroom to clean up first!

      • alantru Says:

        I’m guessing these Baptist preachers go to the clubs incognito?

        Cocktail server is a tough gig, I think. Many years ago I used to bartend. I just had to quit. It was like babysitting — only with big drunk kids who resented getting cut off.

  2. eksith Says:

    Mammary Bars have food just to make them look respectable.

    Then again, naked women, food and drink have had historical roots together. Ask the Romans. Or, since they’re not around, the Mafia.

    For a while, I had forgotten the breadth and depth of the subject matter on this blog. Luckily, the half undressed nun with the cross upon her posterior snapped my memory back.

    • Hi, eksith!

      How the hell have you been? Where the hell have you been?

      I’m glad you’re back. Even if it did take Cristal the Naughty Nun to do it.

      “Then again, naked women, food and drink have had historical roots together. Ask the Romans. Or, since they’re not around, the Mafia.”

      — Oh, but they are around! Aren’t the Mafia descendents of the ancient Roman? The parrallels are striking, no?

      “For a while, I had forgotten the breadth and depth of the subject matter on this blog. Luckily, the half undressed nun with the cross upon her posterior snapped my memory back.”

      — Yeah, I try to mix it up some. 😀

      The post before this one is about a demonic goose named Eddie.

      The one before that is about my roommates, one of whom is a habitual masturbator.

      Glad you’re back, eksith.

      • eksith Says:

        I’ve been involved in a top secret project that’s mind numbingly boring to expose anyway. Besides that, this and that mostly.

        Good to see the potency of bulls**t hasn’t wained at all since the last time, though I see the frequency has dropped due to that pesky computer issue. Too bad you still need one to make updates.

        It’s the year 2009 already and we still don’t have flying cars or a mind reading Internet. Can you believe it?

      • Yep, eksith–

        I’m still full of (sh)it! 😀

  3. jesusbudda Says:

    I recognize that nun……

    • You should.

      She’s one of your cult members whom I lured away with promises of a better life to pose for blasphemous, though provocative photos.

      Tell me, JB, has your cult grown so much that you can no longer recall who was in it in the first place?

      I thought you could still count the members of your cult on one hand. I guess I should drop by more often, eh?

  4. Ram Venkatararam Says:

    They should consider drive through.

    “Cheeseburger and chocolate shake please”

    “Do you want me to flash my tits with that?”



    “Yeah, why not.”

  5. missfierce Says:

    Excellent idea, Ram! It wouldn’t surprise me at all if I heard an advert for a strip drive thru. What to call it though……

    So, joined any prison gangs yet? Got any prison tats? Have you been violated yet? Or have you been doing the violating? I really need to drop by and hear the latest.

    God, listen to me going on like a schoolgirl! Where are my manners?

    Would you like that for here or to go?

  6. nursemyra Says:

    I think Cristal removed all her pubic hair before she jumped on the crucifix…..

  7. Juniper Rose Says:

    Great blog! And working in the industry, I find the idea of food and strip club together fairly disgusting as well. Though, since I’m also on the inside, I find most of the club disgusting. If you only knew, you might be afraid to sit down or touch anything before sanitizing it, really. Excited to read more!


    • Hi, Jooni. Thank you for your comment and I’m glad you’re enjoying The Starving Bull**it Artist.

      I’ve never been to a stripclub- the kind where the women dance. I went to one once where the men dance and I wasn’t impressed.

      A lapdance just isn’t the same when a woman is the recipient. It was pretty boring, really.

      If I were to ever go into a man’s stripclub I’d probably go in full HAZMAT gear!

      I’ve heard that when women customers visit a men’s club they get a lot of attention. Is that true?

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