The Starving Bulls**t Artist

Look! Click on stuff! Laugh! Cry! Help Me!

*Please Allow Me to Introduce Myself… February 7, 2009

I’m Madame Bitters, &  this is my blog, The Starving Bullshit Artist

I statrted this blog for one reason &  one reason alone: I need money.

You may be saying to yourself, “why don’t you go out and get a job, you lazy cunt?”

That’s a fair question. Here’s the answer: I had a job, several jobs in fact. But the man & by that I mean various law enforcement agencies & society in general told me I couldn’t do them. The mansaid what I did for a living was wrong,  bad & illegal. So I was placed under house arrest. Now I have one of those electronic ankle monitors that all of the most fashionable celebrities wear.

By now you’re probabaly wondering what I did to bring the wrath of Johnny Lawman down upon me.  On the advice of my vast team of lawyers I’m afraid I can’t go into much detail. But  I will say this:

  • Those children who broke into those mansions were lying when they said I was the driving force, the “brains” behind their kiddie burglary ring. I did not organize them into a gang of vicious thieves, nor did I give them burglary tools or lesson in the fine art of “breaking & entering.”
  • As for the charges that I was running a whorehouse, I can only shake my head in disbelief. I’ve said it before & I’ll say it again: it was a hostel for young immigrant women. Just because these young ladies were gorgeous & of questionable character is an unfortunate coincidence for me. I was also assured these women had their Visas & were legally allowed to work in the United States.

There are also accusations from various male visitors to my hostel that soon after arriving they were hit over the head with an unidentified blunt object & rendered unconscious. These men go on to say that when they came to they were in a desolate field outside of town & relived of their clothes, wallets & other valuables. This is simply untrue.

  • I was notimpersonating a police officer when I went down to the county jail where my girls were being held. I was dressed as a cop because I was hired by the station chief to do a striptease to boost employee morale. My “badge” said I was “Officer Snatch” for fuck’s sake! As for the station chief’s sudden “amnesia” about hiring me I can point to the only conclusion that makes sense: I am the victim of a vast, far reaching conspiracy.
  • Where the charges of that dead man in the passesnger seat of my car are concerned, I can only say that it is not “Abuse of a Corpse” to dress & fully accessorize a dead body& prop him up in the front passenger seat so I can drive in the High Occupancy Vehicle lane. It’s a traffic violation at most. As to how the man in question became deceased in the  first place I can only say I’m as stumped as the next person.
  • Last of all, that baggie that was filled with what looked like marajuana that was found in my carry-on luggage, was in fact only orregano. At least that’s what the man who sold it to me said. Besides, the last time I checked it wasn’t a crime to add extra seasoning to airplane food to make it edible.

The idea, even the fleeting thought that I would organize a gang of Oliver Twist-esque child theives, or run a brothel staffed by illegal immigrants is insulting. And I would have to be pretty stupid to go to the county jail disgused as a sexy cop with the intent of breaking my girls out of jail for the sole purpose of keeping those girls from testifying agsinst me, wouldn’t I?

As for the charges that I killed a man in order to use his corpse as a decoy so I could drive in the HOV lane & make a speedy getaway to the airport in an attempt to escape justice, well that’s just plain ridiculous. As is the assertion that I am pot-smoking throwback to the Summer of Love.

As OJ Simpson, another wrongly accused and legally persecuted individual said so eloquntly, “I am 100% Not Guilty.” All of these bogus charges will be answered & explained in a court of law.

Until then, I have no money &  many, many bills to pay. These include:      

  • Lawyer bills
  • Liquor delivery bills
  • Lawyer bills
  • Payment to the “Deals on Wheels” delivery guy
  • More lawyer bills
  • The rental on my electronic ankle monitor
  • Some more lawyer bills
  • QVC & Home Shopping Network bills
  • And you guessed it… lawyer bills!

I will be posting things on this blog regularly. It’s not like I have anything else to do. Aside from endless strategy meetings with my team of lawyers & practicing my “sincere face,” anyway.

There is a “Donate” button at the top of this page, right above the first line of this post. You can’t miss it.
Do me a favor, will you? Press it & contribute to my cause.

Don’t be an asshole 🙂