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An Alarming Trend: Last Names as First Names May 21, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — madamebitters @ 1:20 am

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Good evening,

Tonight’s topic is one that’s had me concerned for quite some time.


Parents who give their children last names as first names.


Why do new parents do this to their children? Although some girls know the heartache of this worrying trend, it’s boys that are usually saddled with these unfortunate monikers.


Don’t know what I’m talking about? Here’s a few examples:

  • Landon
  • Grayson
  • Parker
  • Preston
  • Ramsey
  • Bryant
  • Benton

I could go on, but I don’t think it’s necessary.


Now, you, kind reader, maybe wondering what the big problem is. It’s true, I haven’t been blessed/cursed with children, so why should I care?


I don’t, but it DOES annoy me. And it’s generally a bad idea to annoy me, as I suffer from the type of  rages where I blackout and lose hours (and sometimes days) of time.


 Maybe some of you have even named your child (or God forbid, children) one, or even a combination of these types of names.  Do you know what career you’ve set your child up for? Domestic servitude.

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The same way that girls named Crystal, Amber, and Misty somehow wind up swinging from a stripper’s pole, boys named Benton and Ramsey end up being butlers to the wealthy and chauffering  around Mrs. Daisy.


And if that’s what you as a parent want for your child, then send little Porter or Preston my way. I know I could use a good (and discreet) chauffer to drive me home after one of my blackouts.


Please submit your child’s resume in the comment box. I’ll be waiting 😀

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14 Responses to “An Alarming Trend: Last Names as First Names”

  1. jesusbudda Says:

    I don’t see anything wrong with those names.
    Lovely names.

    Maybe we should try the old way of the olden times when people had names which matched their character or profession:

    Shitface – for those with shit faces.

    Cackhand – appropriate for those whose hands are always shit stained.

    Turnip ears – for those with, well, ears shaped like turnips.

    Remote control – for the kid who always seems to ahve the remote control.

    I could go on but I will spare you the punishment of my pointless banter.
    For now….

    • Of course you like those names, JB. I’m not at all surprised.

      ‘Cackhand’? Do people in civilzed areas of the world (i.e. areas that have an abundance of Charmin) still have this problem?

      Do you live in Ethiopia, JB?

      I know someone named Turnipseed. Swear to God.

      PS: people with last names as first names dig your blog. A charming fellow named Reid left a thought provoking comment on your Nice Tits, Cute Ass, Sweet Pussy post.

  2. eksith Says:

    This is so true.
    I once met a Rodrigo Fernando.

    It disturbed me so much, I had hiccups for a week.

    It’s just so weird to have that flipped… Like driving in London in reverse. You’re still on the left, but it’s all backwards.

    • “I once met a Rodrigo Fernando.

      It disturbed me so much, I had hiccups for a week.”

      I know, eksith. *pats your hand reassuringly* I know.

      If it makes you feel any better (and I don’t know why it would), people in London make me hiccup in disgust.

      Something about their huge teeth makes me uneasy.

  3. jesusbudda Says:

    Yeah, I deleted those “delightful” comments from those ‘people’, MB.

    He/she/it left quite a few comments of a questionable nature. Cheeky m******f****ers.

    Eksith, why the hell would meeting someone named Rodrigo Fenando disturb you?

    Maybe someone named Adolf Hitler or Sawtooth Razorbeak – but that other name is harmless as a baby cat.

  4. eksith Says:

    Well. Fernando is generally a last name. But my last name is Rodrigo, so it was all upside down, left to right, topsy turvy for me. Hence the hiccups.

    Interestingly, I did meet an Adolf too once. Nice fellow.

    But I dared not bring up that historical namesake. I’m sure he’s already been through that when he was a kid.

    MB, that’s because people in London are sometimes called Londonites. Which, I just discovered, is also the name of a mineral.

  5. Your logic is lost on JB. But it’s not lost on me.

    Did anyone ever see that episode of Seinfeld where Elaine dates a man who has the same name is an infamous serial killer? I think it was Joel Rifkin.

    Just thought I’d throw that out there.

  6. jesusbudda Says:

    No, I don’t remember that episode.

    I’ll just have to invent my own version of it in my head.
    Hang on now…..inventing….inventing……..inventing……there we go!

    ha ha!
    Nah, it wasn’t that funny.

  7. I am pregnant and due in three hours. I humbly submit the name #4237678z for my child, but plan on calling it, “it” (for short). Is this acceptable?

    • Yes, that name pleases me. I think we should just refer to people by serial numbers. The government has been doing it for decades, and they’re really on the ball, aren’t they?

      Thanks for stopping by RR. I like your cocky style. For some reason your comment went into my Spam folder so that’s the reason for the delay of my response. Sorry about that.

  8. alantru Says:

    I have 216 children. I named them all “Hey Assholes!” It’s a very effective system.

  9. whoa, alan! I never knew you were such a stud! Hope your CSR job at Hamish will support those 216 child support payments.

    In light of this revelation of yours, there’s something I gotta ask:

    Are you Mike from sales daughter’s ‘baby daddy’?

    The truth should be told.

    PS: I thouroughly approve of your parenting method. I can just imagine you shouting “hey asshole” and 216 heads snapping to attention!

    • alantru Says:


      No. No, “baby daddy” to Mike’s little angel.

      Yes, it really is a marvel to see those 216 heads snapping to attention. I can only hope that one day they don’t revolt. Don’t get me wrong, they’re plenty revolting as is…

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