The Starving Bulls**t Artist

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Where I’ve Been- In the County Jail for Holding My Anger Management Coach Hostage! August 12, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — madamebitters @ 5:16 am

 
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Hello!

 

You may be wondering where I’ve been. Or maybe you don’t care.

 

Either way you, good reader, are in for quite a story!

 

Just read the title. It’s pretty self-explanatory, really.

 

Here’s how it all began…..

<cue fuzzy nostalgia vision and tinkly music that comes with every flashback> 

It started with minor disagreement over my alleged ‘drunken escapades’ by my self-righteous, yet curiously voeyueristic neighbor.

 

Now, I’ll admit I may have mown down her cutesy little mailbox with the bluebirds on it.

 

I may also have thrown my half empty bottle of Jim Beam through her front window in a rage because her stupid mailbox got in the path of my truck.

 

Things were pretty fuzzy- like they are on most nights for me. That’s not important though.

 

The end result of that wild, drunken night involving my neighbor’s mailbox was a sentence of 1500 hours of Community Service, 6 months of Anger Management and the payment of various fines and damages to the city and my neighbor.

 

I paid the fines, no problem.

 

Community service got off to a bad start when a bum at the homeless shelter I was volunteering at vomited on my Feragammo boots soon after he ate the soup I prepared.

 

Things got better though when those in charge of the shelter let me answer phones instead of cooking and mingling with the clientele.

 

 Anger Management was a bit rockier. My assigned counselor, Maddy, was an unpleasent woman in her late 50s. It was hate at first sight, but I could’ve stuck it out if she hadn’t been habitually late to our sessions.

 

Now, I’m not a punctual person. I’ve kept many people waiting and I won’t appologize for it. The difference between me and everyone else is this: my time is vastly more important than anyone else’s!!!!!!

 

After she stood me up for one of our sessions, I decided I’d had enough. So I went to Maddy’s office and I held her and her receptionist hostage with a very sharp letter opener I found on the assistant’s desk.

 

After a 3 hour long stand-off, complete with the police, news reporters, helicopters and tear gas, I surrendered the letter opener and allowed the authorities to take me to the county jail peacebly.

 

And that’s where I’ve been this entire time. Honset!