You may be wondering where I’ve been. Or maybe you don’t care.
Either way you, good reader, are in for quite a story!
Just read the title. It’s pretty self-explanatory, really.
Here’s how it all began…..
<cue fuzzy nostalgia vision and tinkly music that comes with every flashback>
It started with minor disagreement over my alleged ‘drunken escapades’ by my self-righteous, yet curiously voeyueristic neighbor.
Now, I’ll admit I may have mown down her cutesy little mailbox with the bluebirds on it.
I may also have thrown my half empty bottle of Jim Beam through her front window in a rage because her stupid mailbox got in the path of my truck.
Things were pretty fuzzy- like they are on most nights for me. That’s not important though.
The end result of that wild, drunken night involving my neighbor’s mailbox was a sentence of 1500 hours of Community Service, 6 months of Anger Management and the payment of various fines and damages to the city and my neighbor.
I paid the fines, no problem.
Community service got off to a bad start when a bum at the homeless shelter I was volunteering at vomited on my Feragammo boots soon after he ate the soup I prepared.
Things got better though when those in charge of the shelter let me answer phones instead of cooking and mingling with the clientele.
Anger Management was a bit rockier. My assigned counselor, Maddy, was an unpleasent woman in her late 50s. It was hate at first sight, but I could’ve stuck it out if she hadn’t been habitually late to our sessions.
Now, I’m not a punctual person. I’ve kept many people waiting and I won’t appologize for it. The difference between me and everyone else is this: my time is vastly more important than anyone else’s!!!!!!
After she stood me up for one of our sessions, I decided I’d had enough. So I went to Maddy’s office and I held her and her receptionist hostage with a very sharp letter opener I found on the assistant’s desk.
After a 3 hour long stand-off, complete with the police, news reporters, helicopters and tear gas, I surrendered the letter opener and allowed the authorities to take me to the county jail peacebly.
And that’s where I’ve been this entire time. Honset!