The Starving Bulls**t Artist

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Madame Bitters Diet Tips February 27, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — madamebitters @ 6:36 am
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Hello, my minions:

 As you all may or may not know, I am one of those people who is always sought after for advice. Unlike Dear Abby, Ann Landers and the like, the advice I give is disasterous if the seeker follows it.

That never stops others from asking for my advice, though.

In the interest of saving time (and me having to repeat myself over and over), I’ve decided to write up and post a few of the questions that I’m asked most often.

If you, lovely reader, would like to ask Madame Bitters for some advice, don’t hesitate to do so. Write your problem in the green box below and click ‘Submit’.

I will answer you when and if I have time/feel like it.

What follows is an answer to a question posed to me from a lovely lard-ass in Mississippi:
Dearest Madame Bitters,

I have had a weight problem my whole life and right now I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been. I’ve tried dieting and exercising but the pounds won’t budge. Please help me, I’m desperate.

-Fat & Frustrated in MS

Fat & Frustrated:

Normally I don’t answer questions about diet and weight related issues and it’s not because I don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m well into my 40s and I have maintained the sylph-like figure I’ve had since I was a teenager. I don’t answer dieting questions because it’s simply beneath me and it waste my time when I could be helping others with real problems.

But, since you said you were desperate, I suppose I can break my rule this one time. Here are the methods I use to keep trim and not one of them involves “eating right” or going to the gym:

*I smoke. I smoke more than a fourteen year old runway model does. I smoke because it keeps my weight down and because it just looks cool. I prefer menthols but any kind will do. Do try to stay away from the Ultra-Lites, though. It’s like sucking on a straw and since they contain less nicotine & tobacco, the desired outcome is muted. Don’t waste your time on them.

*I drink. I drink so much that my liver is probably the size of a cantelope. Everyone says that alcohol is fattening- those people are liars.

Booze doesn’t have any fat in it, but it does have a lot of calories. What they don’t tell you is that after you’ve downed 6 gin and tonics in less than an hour last thing you want to do is eat. In fact, you’ll probably vomit and we all know that if your lunch is in the toilet it definately won’t settle on your hips, will it? Just be careful with mixers like coke, juice, ect. You don’t want to dilute alcohol’s weight loss magic.

On average I drink about 14-15 drinks a day, about 9 of which are vodka martinis. I like martinis because when I drink them I feel sophisticated. I also drink Scotch, neat and just to mix it up a bit I also drink absinthe on occasion. I doubt you’ll be able to drink that much right now. It took me years, but if you really want to be thin you’ll find a way.

*I snort a lot of cocaine. It’s my favorite no-calorie sweetner ūüôā I’ve been doing it for years and besides the occasional 3 day long nose bleed, it’s never done me any harm.

I do have one word of caution: If the thought of serving a prison sentence for possession scares you or if you already have 2 strikes, I strongly suggest you not to do this.

On another note, prison actually isn’t too bad. It’s where I learned how to make orogami and it gave me time to hone my writing skills. It’s also a great environment for sexual experimentation- way better than college ever was.

If these tips don’t produce the results you want there is one other option:

*Contract e. coli or salmonella. Really, any sort of food borne illness or intestinal parasite will do it. All you have to do is eat undercooked, spoiled food or visit a third world country and drink their water. It’s as easy as that.

I sometimes do this when I feel particuarlly bloated or puffy and it works everytime.

Those are my 4 foolproof ways to lose weight. If you follow them and you don’t die, you’ll look fabulous.

However,in the interest of safety I must advise you that before starting this or any weight loss regimine, please check with your healthcare provider. If your doctor gives you the go ahead, you need to find a new doctor.

-Madame Bitters

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Weird Books on Weird Topics February 25, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — madamebitters @ 7:36 am

Good Evening!

When I started this blog up, oh say, about three and- a -half¬† weeks ago, one of my first posts was about depressing books¬† (Post #3: Feeling Happy? You Won’t if You Read These Books).

Keeping in the literary vein, I’ve decided to compile another list of books: Weird Books on Weird Topics.

These books aren’t depressing in the least. In fact, you should get a chuckle out of the titles.¬† These are all published books. I haven’t made up any of them.

I got these odd titles from a couple of different books: The Lexicon of Stupidityby Ross and Kathryn Petras and The World’s Worstby Les Krantz and Sue Sveum.

Some, ahem, ¬†“educational”¬†books you’ll never find in any classroom:

  • The History and Romance of Elastic Webbing Since the Dawn of Time
  • Highlights in the History of Concrete
  • Teach Yourself Alcoholism
  • Constipation and Our Civilization
  • A Toddler’s Guide to the Rubber Industry

Some not so average do-it-yourself books:

  • Let’s Make Some Undies!
  • Do it Yourself Brain Surgery and Other Home Skills
  • Grow Your Own Hair
  • Natural Bust Enlargement with Total Mind Power: How to Use the Other 90% of Your Mind to Increase the Size of Your Breasts

Here’s a few interesting books on arts and entertainment:

  • A Pictorial Book of Tongue Coating
  • The Art of Faking Exhibition Poultry
  • Be Bold With Bananas
  • Entertaining With Insects: The Original Guide to Insect Cookery

Here are a few helpful titles concerning health and general well being:

  • The Inheritance of Hairy Ear Rims
  • Mucus and Related Topics
  • Nasal Maintenance: Nursing Your Nose Through Troubled Times
  • The Water of Life–A Treatise on Urine Therapy

Some books about holes, tapeworms and Jewish grandmothers:

  • Big and Very Big Hole Drilling
  • Reusing Old Graves
  • New Guinea Tapeworms and Jewish Grandmothers

Here are couple of books about fun and  recreation of different sort:

  • Nuclear War Fun Book
  • Proceedings of the Second International Workshop on Nude Mice

Here are a few books concerning love and relationships:

  • Sex After Death
  • Where Do Babies Come From and How to Keep Them There
  • Wife Battering: A Systems Theory Approach

Well, that’s it. I hope you enjoyed reading these titles as much as I enjoyed writing them down.

Until next time!

~MB~

 

Things People Wear That Make Me Wish I Was Blind February 21, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — madamebitters @ 7:04 am

Good evening, my pretties,

Tonight’s chosen topic: Stupid clothes and trends that annoy me so much they make me wish I was blind.

The fashion faux-pas on this list go far beyond wearing white after Labor Day and panty lines. These offences are are much more transgresive and, well, offensive.

Now, I’m a fashinoable woman but I’m also pracitical when choosing my clothing and accessories. I’m stylish, yet savvy.

So, when I see someone on the street or at the store commiting these fashion attrocities I want to run up to them, slap them as hard as I can across the face, shake them roughly¬†by the shoulders and scream, “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! WHY, IN THE NAME OF GOD,¬†ARE YOU WEARING FALSE EYELASHES THAT EVEN A DRAG QUEEN WOULD SAY ARE TOO GARISH?!”

So, without furthur ado, here is my list of things people wear that make me wish I was blind:

  • People who live in Florida and wear those huge,¬† furry, ugly boots that should only be worn by those living in the tundra.

The most widely known brand of these hideous boots are UGGS. UGGS are usually worn by movie stars in warm, balmy climates and paired with something ridiculous, like a micro-mini skirt.

  • People who wear shorts and sweatshirts.

Why do people do this? They look like confused Eskimos. Wearing  pants and a short sleeved top is perfectly acceptable. Pairing a sweatshirt and shorts together is just sillyness. To ensure you look your stupidest, finish off this ensamble with a pair of UGGS.

  • Wealthy people who dress like the bums and bagladies

True story: I was at the grocery store when I saw a couple in their late twenties/early thirties pushing their cart slowly among the aisles. The price of their outfits cost approximately $10.00 combined. They looked dirty, were ratty, wrinkled, and just awful in general.

Later on, as I carried my purchases to the car I saw the previously mentioned couple loading their groceries into….a Mercedes SUV.

Looking back, I suppose they could actually be homeless and that they lived in their SUV. If it were me, I’d have gotten a KIA and spent the left over money on decent clothes. But maybe that’s just me.

  • People who wear an insane ammount of gold jewelry.

I don’t mean a couple of rings, a necklace, a Rolex or some big hoop earrings. I’m talking about those deluded individuals who display their wealth by wearing seven gold necklaces and chains, rings on every finger (thumbs included), bracelets and a Rolex on each wrist. The only people who can even somewhat pull off this look are rappers. And even they look silly.

  • Ugly, fat¬†people who wear baby-tees that say things like, “SEXY” and “CUTIE”¬†and tight sweat pants that say, “JUICY” on the ass.

Let’s be honest, the main offenders of this¬†one are women. The baby-tee is:

A. Three sizes too small for you

B. A blatant lie

As far as¬†the sweatpants are concerned, they should be a bit baggy. They should not be as tight as the casing on a sausage. And no one should have their ass advertised as being JUICY. It’s stupid and misleading.

I propose that the designers of these baby-tees and sweatpants be strung up and beaten like pinatas over the course of several days for two reasons:

1. Designing these awful, tacky clothes in the first place

2. For making them in “Plus sizes”

  • Parents who dress their offspring in inappropriate clothes.

We’ve all seen those eight year old boys¬†dressed in either slacks, spit-shined loafers¬†and a tie or baggy pants that fall off them, paired with¬†a “wife beater” and a ‘do-rag.

We’ve all seen those 4th grade girls who wear tube tops and ultra low-rise jeans or dressed like miniature versions of their mothers.

It’s creepy to see an 8 year old who looks like either an accountant or a tiny car jacker.

¬†It’s also creepy to see a 4th grade girl who, if you gave her a cigarette and a black eye, could be mistaken¬†for a very small hooker. Do I even need to go into how weird it is to see a mother and her 6 year old dressed in matching outfits?

  • People who wear stripes and plaid patterns together.

This is one that mostly men are guilty of. Shockingly, not all of¬†the men who do this are old. Some are young “hipster” types with spiky hair. Neither can pull it off, so don’t you be tempted to try it.

  • Neon colors look good on NOBODY!

Period. Leave the¬†neon in the 80’s where it belongs. Same with acid-washed jeans.

  • Threadbare jeans that cost $200. On sale

I saw a group of teenagers loitering in my neighbor’s yard. Maybe one of the teenagers lived there, I don’t know and I don’t care. That’s not the point, though.

All of these kids had on ripped up, holy jeans that were so worn I could have read my newspaper through them, had I been so inclined.

I thought about asking one of them¬†if I could borrow their jeans, just to prove my point, but then thought better of it. I have too many legal problems as it is. I don’t need to be labled as a sexual predator to boot.

Well, kids, that’s all for now. I will be doing a Part II on this post when I get around to it.

Be patient, my dears.

~MB~

 

Entertaining: Madame Bitters Style! February 20, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — madamebitters @ 7:19 am
See, even these teenagers know the magic that alcohol brings to any party.

See, even these teenagers know the magic that alcohol brings to any party.

Greetings, minions!

Tonight’s post¬†concerns the fine art of entertaining. Before I begin, let me ask you, kind reader, a question:

Have you ever hosted a party?

You haven’t? Seriously?

Oh my God! You are such a loser! Excuse me while I collapse in derisive laughter……..

Whew!<wipes tear from eye> It’s been a long time since I’ve had a good laugh. Thank you for that.

Let get back to the subject at hand: parties, and how to throw a good one.

Now, I’m no Martha Stewart when it comes to entertaining. Or really anything else for that matter¬†(I apologize if I misled any of you).

However, anyone who has ever had the privilege to attend one of my soirees will tell you what a grand time they had, and¬†that my parties are legendary. And I wouldn’t be paying them to say it, either. That’s because I don’t have any money since no one has Donated any to me.

I suppose if I had to name someone as my entertainment role model, it would be Amy Sedaris. I own her book, I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence. 

Consequently,¬†some of the tips I pass on to you, lovely reader of my blog, may be in the aforementioned book. Thanks in advance, Amy Sedaris! (please don’t sue me)

  • Every party you ever throw (including children’s parties, especially children’s parties) should have¬† an ample supply of booze.

Beer and liquor (with their corresponding ¬†mixers) are must-haves at any party. It might be wise to have a few ‘sissy’ drinks like wine coolers, Zimas and Smirnoff Ice on hand for the ‘lightweights’

  • If you have ‘good’¬†(expensive) booze, hide it.

Unless your party guests are people you want to impress, don’t waste your best booze on them.

Now that the most important thing (booze) has been covered, we can go onto other things. Like food.

  • The most important thing at any party is alcohol.

Alcohol is the lifeblood of any good bash. It’s the lubricant that helps your party¬†run smoothly. Spend most of your¬†money ¬†procuring some. Whatever (if any) you¬†have¬†left¬†can be spent on food.

  • Don’t put a lot of effort into the party snacks. Unless you want to impress your guests or you just enjoy that kind of thing

Don’t forget what most people come to a party for: Free booze and the possibility of hooking up with someone.

If you go all out and make something like duck liver pate it will likely go unnoticed. And guess what: you feel under appreciated and then you get mad.

Good hosts/hostesses do not get¬†mad at their guests. They get even by doing things to the offending guest’s¬†refreshments and going through their purse/wallet.

Here are a few more tips you may find useful when you throw your bash:

  • Invite an equal number of men and women. Guys don’t wanna attend a “sausage fest” any more than gals wanna go to a party than has fewer men than¬†¬†Bed, Bath and Beyond¬†on Superbowl Sunday.

 

  • Be sure to invite a diverse mix of people. This is the most vital part of throwing any party. Besides the booze, of course.

¬†For instance, if you decide to invite your buddy who is an astronomer to the party consider inviting¬†that friend of a¬†friend who’s an astrologer. Introduce the two, step back, and wait for the sparks to fly! Here are a few more suggestions.

*A liberal who is pro-choice and a conservative, pro-lifer.

*An atheist and¬†someone who has recently been “born again”.

*Your best friend, your best friend’s ex, and their respective new partners.

*A vegan and….well, anyone else who is normal.

If you make  an interesting and diverse guest list, your party will be the better for it. You and your other guests may also get some free Jerry Springer-style  entertainment. It beats shelling out money for strippers.

  • A good party needs a complementary “soundtrack”

Let’s suppose you’re planning a rowdy, Animal-House kinda party, complete with kegs and a monkey (I don’t think there was a monkey in Animal House, but I think a monkey is a good addition to any rowdy party). What’s the worst music for this type of bash? Anything by Enya, Celine Dion, or those chanting monks.

Likewise, you may plan a party where you choose to invite some fairly conservative people. If this is the situation keep your Ludacris, Danzig and Skinny Puppy CDs far, far away from your sound system for the duration of the party.

  • Consider throwing a “theme party” if that sort of thing appeals to you. They can be a blast with the right kind of people, and I’ve had great success with them. Here are some ideas:

*A Pimps and Hos Party: You need someone to go with. One of you needs to dress up and be the Pimp. The other needs to dress up and be the Ho. Flip a coin to decide

*White-trash Bash: Break out the cut-offs, tube tops, and Confederate Trucker caps. Decorate with old scratch-offs, NASCAR paraphernalia, rusted lawn furniture and last but not least, pink flamingos.

*A Pajama Party:This party can be a bit misleading. People show up in their pjs, night gowns, ect. Can be as tame (think flannel nightgowns and longjohns) or as risque (silky negligees, shortie pjs) as you like. It’s not a “slumber party” where everyone spends the night. That’s really not a “party”; it’s an orgy, which are fun as well.

*A Toga Party: Be warned; a Toga Party, like a Pajama Party, can also wander into “orgy territory” if you aren’t vigilant. Not that this is always a bad thing, though.

*An 80’s Party (or 70’s party or 90’s party): Dress up ¬†in the style (or a popular person) from the designated decade.

  • Set a strict¬† time for the party to end. Enforce it.

If you say something like, “The party starts at 6-ish and goes on until question marks,” a few of ¬†your guests will not leave, perhaps for days.¬†¬†¬† They either won’t notice the hints you give them to get the hell out or they’ll willfully ignore them.

I learned this lesson the hard way. I didn’t set a strict departure time for my party guests. The party that I thought would only last a few hours went on for two days. The stragglers only left when the booze was gone.

Well, kids, that’s it.

¬†At least I think that’s it.

 Shit, did I forget anything?

If I did forget something(s) I will write a new post listing the things I forgot on this post.

Okay?

¬†A “Part II,” if you will.

Goodnight, my minions. And don’t forget to Donate¬†to my fund! I haven’t thought of a catchy name for said fund yet, but don’t let that stop you.

Giving me money is just a couple of mouse clicks away! ūüôā

XOXO ~MB~

 

The Worst Thing About Valentine’s Day February 14, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — madamebitters @ 5:07 am
These candies are over 100 years old. I hope I age that well.

These candies are over 100 years old. I hope I age that well.

Well, it’s the day before Valentines’ Day.

Are you ready?

Have you gotten your significant other some good stuff?

Flowers? Candy? Cutesy stuffed animals? A gun rack? An oil change? Stamps?

You have? Well, it sounds like you’re all set.¬†Good boy/girl.

I just wanted to get that out of the way before I begin this post, just as a little reminder. I don’t want anyone to get put in the proverbial ‘dog house’.

Now, with that out of the way I can start in good conscience.

This post is dedicated to my intense dislike of Valentine’s Day.

Now, I know what you’re thinking because I always know what you’re thinking.¬† And don’t look so shocked; frankly, it’s not that hard. You’re wondering why I don’t like Valentines Day.

Some of you think you know the answer to the question. I can see your smug, self-satisfied grin. You think it’s because I don’t have a significant other and that’s just not true.

¬†I don’t have a significant other- that part is true. But that’s not why I hate Valentine’s Day, smarty pants. I’ve come to terms with being alone. Sorta like the final stage of dying- acceptance. The fact that I’ll likely die alone, unloved and unmourned is something I’m cool with.

No, my problem with Valentines Day is something less insidious and therefore much more sinister: NECCO Candy Hearts. Otherwise known as Conversation Hearts, they are a staple of the Valentine tradition.

Now, you may not know this but these chalky tasting, message bearing little candies have been around for over 100 years. Literally.

When Conversation Hearts were invented over 100 years ago, NECCO made many billions of them at one time. Then they shut down the factory where these heart candies were manufactured for some unknown reason.

I have a theory on why the factory was shut down and it involves child labor, monkey slaves, and heroin (which, by the way was perfectly legal back then. As was child labor. I’m not sure about the enslavement of monkeys, though. I’ll have to check on that and get back to you). I’m pretty sure the Teapot Dome Scandal was involved in one way or another, too.

So what¬†became of¬†the billions and billions of NECCO Hearts? They’re still being sold today, at a retailer near you. Every NECCO Conversation heart you’ve ever eaten in your life ¬†has come from that original batch, made over 100 years ago. That’s why they taste like a box of chalk

Did you know each color Conversation Hearts is supposed to ¬†represent a different flavor? I’ll bet you thought they all tasted like the same flavor of shit.¬†¬†Here they are:

  • Pink—Cherry
  • Yellow—Banana
  • Orange—Orange
  • Green—Lemon
  • Purple—Grape
  • White—Wintergreen

Remember that when you’re choking down these chalky little sentiments tomorrow.

Here’s a bit of advice for next Valentines Day: Skip on the NECCO Conversation Hearts and get your significant other something much more useful- TUMS.

¬†Not only will it kill the indigestion they’ll develop after the homemade candlelit dinner that you prepared, they’ll also get a full serving of calcium. It’s win/win!

As for me, I think I’ll give myself a mani/pedi, have a nice cup of chamomile tea and then go to bed.

~MB~

 

About the Problems with the PayPal Button February 11, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — madamebitters @ 2:35 am

anrgy-kitty
Hi, everyone!

You may have noticed that it’s been a couple of days since I’ve posted anything. If not, you are either stupid or not a regular reader of my blog, The Starving Bullshit Artist.

I’ve been having some problems with my “Donate” PayPal button.¬† Before, whenever the “Donate” button was clicked, a window would pop up that was definitely not my PayPal account.

After emailing wordpress Tech support and a few helpful hints from  fellow blogger, eskith, I think I may have fixed the problem. Hopefully.

Can you do something for me? Can you click on the “Donate” button at the top of this page? You don’t have to donate anything if you don’t want to, I’d just like to be sure the link is working.

Please let me know if it’s not.

~MB~

 

Poetry: To Suck or Not to Suck? February 9, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — madamebitters @ 5:26 am

I hate poetry. Finally, after all these years, I’ve said it.¬†¬†Or typed it really; it’s the same difference.

To be entirely truthful, I hate most poetry. I find some of Shel Silverstein’s silly poetry somewhat entertaining. And I’ve always appreciated a clever, dirty Limerick.

I’m not a monster.

But the rest of poetry is, without exception, terrible.¬† It doesn’t matter what “type” it is or what “form” it takes; sonnets or couplets, haiku or (Lord, help me) free-verse. The results are always the same: irredeemable awfulness.

I’ve given some thought on why the vast, vast majority of poems and poetry suck. Being on house arrest has given me ample time to think about a lot of shit. Mostly, it’s stupid shit and this is no exception.

As I was saying, I’ve been looking for a common denominator to explain¬†poetry’s general suckiness and I think I’ve found it. It’s the person who writes the poem; the “poet”.

Now, I’ve had the misfortune to¬†know a few poets, so I know what I’m talking about.¬†I can truthfully say these people were without a doubt the most miserable, mopey and therefore most annoying individuals I’ve ever had the displeasure of knowing.

Oh, and they’re always, always broke. Turns out writing depressing drivel in verse doesn’t pay too well. Imagine that!

Think about it, have you ever met a happy poet? Of course you haven’t because they don’t exist.

History backs me up on this. All of our “famous” poets were¬†massively unhappy people.

Poe, Dickinson, Keats, Byron, Woolf. What do they all have in common, besides being well-known poets? They’re all people with whom you’d never want to¬†spend a Saturday night at the club with.

Now a few of you may take offense to this, and I’m sure all of you are wondering why I’m breaking bad on poetry. I’ll tell you, but let me ask you a question first:

Have you ever been to a public poetry reading?

If you have, you’ll understand where¬†I’m coming from.

If you’ve never been to one and you have a masochistic streak, go to one some evening. They usually happen at non-chain coffee houses,¬† bookstores, and at the campus of your local community college.

These readings usually last an hour or two, which doesn’t sound too bad, really. Especially¬†when good coffee and crullers are part of the equation.

However, once you’re sitting in a iron folding chair less than three feet away from the angry lesbian on¬†a soapbox¬†who’s¬†carrying on¬†about how her ex-girlfriend left her and took their cat- in a series of haiku no less, you’ll realize that time can and indeed does move backwards.

Just throw some bad folk music and “interpretive dance”¬† in the mix, and guess what? You’ve created Dante’s¬† third circle of hell. Or the Lilith Fair, which is a good substitute for hell in most people’s opinions.

Including mine.

~MB~