Hello, my minions:
As you all may or may not know, I am one of those people who is always sought after for advice. Unlike Dear Abby, Ann Landers and the like, the advice I give is disasterous if the seeker follows it.
That never stops others from asking for my advice, though.
In the interest of saving time (and me having to repeat myself over and over), I’ve decided to write up and post a few of the questions that I’m asked most often.
If you, lovely reader, would like to ask Madame Bitters for some advice, don’t hesitate to do so. Write your problem in the green box below and click ‘Submit’.
I will answer you when and if I have time/feel like it.
What follows is an answer to a question posed to me from a lovely lard-ass in Mississippi:
Dearest Madame Bitters,
I have had a weight problem my whole life and right now I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been. I’ve tried dieting and exercising but the pounds won’t budge. Please help me, I’m desperate.
-Fat & Frustrated in MS
Fat & Frustrated:
Normally I don’t answer questions about diet and weight related issues and it’s not because I don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m well into my 40s and I have maintained the sylph-like figure I’ve had since I was a teenager. I don’t answer dieting questions because it’s simply beneath me and it waste my time when I could be helping others with real problems.
But, since you said you were desperate, I suppose I can break my rule this one time. Here are the methods I use to keep trim and not one of them involves “eating right” or going to the gym:
*I smoke. I smoke more than a fourteen year old runway model does. I smoke because it keeps my weight down and because it just looks cool. I prefer menthols but any kind will do. Do try to stay away from the Ultra-Lites, though. It’s like sucking on a straw and since they contain less nicotine & tobacco, the desired outcome is muted. Don’t waste your time on them.
*I drink. I drink so much that my liver is probably the size of a cantelope. Everyone says that alcohol is fattening- those people are liars.
Booze doesn’t have any fat in it, but it does have a lot of calories. What they don’t tell you is that after you’ve downed 6 gin and tonics in less than an hour last thing you want to do is eat. In fact, you’ll probably vomit and we all know that if your lunch is in the toilet it definately won’t settle on your hips, will it? Just be careful with mixers like coke, juice, ect. You don’t want to dilute alcohol’s weight loss magic.
On average I drink about 14-15 drinks a day, about 9 of which are vodka martinis. I like martinis because when I drink them I feel sophisticated. I also drink Scotch, neat and just to mix it up a bit I also drink absinthe on occasion. I doubt you’ll be able to drink that much right now. It took me years, but if you really want to be thin you’ll find a way.
*I snort a lot of cocaine. It’s my favorite no-calorie sweetner 🙂 I’ve been doing it for years and besides the occasional 3 day long nose bleed, it’s never done me any harm.
I do have one word of caution: If the thought of serving a prison sentence for possession scares you or if you already have 2 strikes, I strongly suggest you not to do this.
On another note, prison actually isn’t too bad. It’s where I learned how to make orogami and it gave me time to hone my writing skills. It’s also a great environment for sexual experimentation- way better than college ever was.
If these tips don’t produce the results you want there is one other option:
*Contract e. coli or salmonella. Really, any sort of food borne illness or intestinal parasite will do it. All you have to do is eat undercooked, spoiled food or visit a third world country and drink their water. It’s as easy as that.
I sometimes do this when I feel particuarlly bloated or puffy and it works everytime.
Those are my 4 foolproof ways to lose weight. If you follow them and you don’t die, you’ll look fabulous.
However,in the interest of safety I must advise you that before starting this or any weight loss regimine, please check with your healthcare provider. If your doctor gives you the go ahead, you need to find a new doctor.