The Starving Bulls**t Artist

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What’s the Deal, Madame Bitters? April 21, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — madamebitters @ 5:23 am
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You, kind reader are probably wondering, “What’s the deal with this blog, The Starving Bulls**t Artist? Why the hell doesn’t she ever post?”

First off (before I make my excuses), I’d just like to thank my readers/contributors for their patience concerning my infrequent appearances.

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I’ve been having some problems with my computer– I can’t get on the damn thing.

Now, I’m not going to point fingers and make accusations that my roommates, Thom, Victoria, and Monique are inconsiderate, douche-bag, computer hogs. That’s not my style.

It’s also not my style to tell Thom to quit looking at porn because I’m tired of cleaning the office chair (and the floor beneath the chair– and the keyboard) after his frequent visits to those sites.

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No, I’m going to take the high road and say that my roommates and I are having “scheduling conflicts” and “suffering from addiction” and leave it at that.

But there is a light on the horizon.

I’ve ordered a laptop and it should be here no later than the 10th of next month. No more fighting over who’s turn it is to use the computer next and no more cleaning up after Thom’s turn.

I am counting the minutes.

Until then, those of you who are somewhat new to this blog should read every single post I’ve ever written– including the pages located in the top right corner.

There are 3 of them– “Please Allow Me to Introduce Myself,” “FAQS” and “Where I Came From.” It should give you newbies some insight into my pathology.

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For those of you who have been with me since Day 1, please sit tight and hang tough. This hurts me more than it hurts you.

Feel free to donate to my PayPal account. You may also suggest future topics that you’d like me to write about if some of you would like a bit of creative control.

I’m always open to suggestions and ideas. As long as they don’t suck!

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Thank you

~MB~

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Why I Can’t Buy Bourbon Before Noon on Sunday & Other Dumb Laws April 6, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — madamebitters @ 3:45 am
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Good Evening,

This morning, around 10:00 or so, I decided that I wanted to make Bread Pudding; mostly because I had a bunch of stale bread to get rid of. Plus, I like Bread Pudding.

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Now, I know some of you are thinking, Madame Bitters, why didn’t you crumble up the stale bread and feed it to the birds? Am I right? Is that what you were thinking?

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Damn, I’m good!

I don’t like birds.  I don’t want them in my yard or anywhere near my home.

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There’s a story that explains my fear/hatred of birds, but I’d rather not go into it. Suffice to say, I had a bad experience. That’s all I’m gonna say on the matter.

Hmmm… seems I’ve wandered off topic. Sorry about that.

Anyway, I decided to make Bread Pudding at around 10:00 am. So I began gathering my ingredients, tearing up the bread, etc.

Then I go to my liquor cabinet for some bourbon (Bread Pudding needs bourbon for it’s sauce). I move the bottles around and, out of  my numerous bottles of booze, there is not a drop of bourbon to be found.

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Dammit!

So I get dressed and I leave the house for the nearest liquor store, which is far, far away. The town I live in is “dry” as are the other towns near me.  To get the bourbon I need, I have to make a half hour drive.

This wouldn’t be a big deal under normal circumstances, but since it was a NASCAR weekend, the traffic was thick and the trip took about twice as long as it normally would have. Since I don’t care for NASCAR, I had forgotten about it.

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I make it to the liquor/convience store around 11:30. I go in, go straight to the liquor aisle and pick up a small bottle of bourbon. Less than 5 minutes later, I’m ready to buy my booze and make the drive home.

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I go up to the counter. The man looks at my bottle and says, “I can’t sell this to you.”

So I dig around in my purse for some ID and I show him my driver’s license.

“No, the state law prohibits me from selling alcohol before noon on Sundays.”

Shit! I’d forgotten about this law. I try to convince him by telling the clerk it’s for a recipe I’m making. It makes no difference

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So I stand at the counter for the entire 15 minutes while he straightens the cigarettes and lotto ticket dispensers. At 12:01, I buy my bourbon and drive home.

Now this story, which I admit was a little long, is to illustrate an example of a stupid law. Granted, I do live in the Bible Belt (I’ll bet the NASCAR reference gave it away) so this law may not be viewed as stupid by certain people.

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Here are some laws that serve absolutely no purpose whatsoever, except maybe to be included on lists like this one.

Here they are in the order in which I found them:

  1. It’s illegal to operate a motor vehicle while blindfolded– Alabama
  2. There is a $500 fine if you bother a butterfly in Pacific Grove, CA
  3. You may not pay for a  50-cent item with only pennies– Canada
  4. It’s illegal for a man to give his wife or girlfriend a box of candy if it weighs less than 50lbs– Idaho
  5. It’s illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, birds or any other domesticated animal kept as a pet– Illinois
  6. It’s illegal to pick ones nose on the Sabbath- Israel
  7. It’s illegal to transport and ice cream cone in your pocket– Kentucky
  8. It’s illegal to fish for whales on Sunday– Ohio
  9. Prostitution is legal, but it’s illegal to use the services of a prostitute–Sweden
  10. It’s illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish– Tennessee
  11. It’s unlawful for chickens to lay eggs before 8 am and after 4 pm– West Virginia

I really can’t bitch too much, though. While I may not be able to buy booze until noon on Sunday, at least I can fish for whales!

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