The Starving Bulls**t Artist

Look! Click on stuff! Laugh! Cry! Help Me!

*FAQ February 7, 2009

God, I love this picture!!!

God, I love this picture!!!

I realize that before I can expect you to donate your hard earned cash to me I will have to acknowledge your concerns and reassure you as to my intentions.

Hence, here is my FAQ page. Enjoy!

Q: Why should I give you any money?

A: I have thought about how I should answer this question. After much thought I’ve decided honesty is the best policy. You should give me money because I need and want it. And because I said “please”.

Oh, I didn’t say “please”? I’m pretty sure I did, but since I really can’t be bothered to go back and double check I suppose I’ll take you at your word. Will you give me money? Please?

Q: What will you spend your donations on?

A: That’s a fair question. The answer is: I don’t know. Whatever I need it for, I guess. I have a lot of expenses (refer back to Post 1: Please Allow Me to Introduce Myself for a few of them).

Whatever I end up buying I will post a picture of. If I buy a Betsy Johnson purse a snapshot of it will be loaded onto this blog within 24 hours. Likewise, if I get breast implants, I will post a picture of…..yeah, you guessed it!

Q: What and how often will you be posting new material?

A: You can expect postings on myriad of topics. This blog will be sorta like those variety shows that were so popular in the 70s, except it won’t suck donkey dick. Hopefully.

As for how often I post new material, I can only say this: I can’t promise I’ll try, but I promise that I’ll try to try. Okay?

Q: What’s in it for me?

A: Oh, lots of things. Funny and somewhat original material posted for You, good reader, to enjoy at your leisure. There will be photos of the things I buy and frequent updates on how much money is in my Donation jar.

You’ll also have the satisfaction of knowing that while you may not have donated to the worthiest of causes, your money will not be wasted. I have a long, long list of things to buy. And who’s to decide what’s makes a cause “worthy”, anyway? Does the cause need to be sad or depressing to qualify as being “worthy”? Do I really need to answer that?*

Whatever you do decide to donate, know that while I’m buying designer shoes, imported cigarettes, or $100 boxes of chocolate truffles I will be thinking of you the whole time- that’s a promise.**

Q: Can you shower in your ankle monitor? What about swimming? Since it’s electric, won’t you be electrocuted if it gets wet?

A: This is a common and profoundly stupid question. The monitor is water resistant so yes, I can shower in it. This question is a stupid one because it implies that I would go months without washing myself for fear of electrocution. Anyone who knows me also knows that I would gnaw off my own foot before I started to smell.

I can’t swim or completely submerge the ankle monitor in water or any other liquid for that matter. I won’t be electrocuted, but the monitor will break and then I’d have to buy a replacement. The ankle monitors are cruelly and insanely expensive. They cost more than a diamond anklet from Tiffany’s. Seriously.

Q: If I choose to donate, what are my options? Do I have to donate to read posted material?

The best way to donate is by depositing funds into my PayPal account. There is a gold button at the top of the right sidebar. Press it. Enter an amount, any amount. Confirm it. There, you’re done.

Your donation can be debited from your personal bank account, a business account or any credit card you choose.

If you feel uncomfortable about using PayPal, or any online payment system I will be opening a PO Box sometime in the near future. I’ll post the address when I get it. Then you can send funds through the good ol‘ US mail.

One good thing about sending donations to my PO Box is you aren’t limited to donating from your bank account. Not everyone has a bank account and these days that’s wise. You can send cash, giftcards, money orders or items like DVDs, jewelry, or macaroni art.^

Really, I’ll take whatever you want to give.

Q: I want to help you out, but I don’t have much money.

A: First of all, that’s not a question, it’s an excuse and excuses doesn’t buy me things or pay my bills. But these are tough times and I can understand your predicament. Here are some tips you can follow so you can still donate to me without breaking the bank.

  • Instead of buying a tall, half-caff, mocha-latte-chino every morning on your way to work, drink freeze-dried Folger’s instead and send the money you save directly to me. You aren’t too good to drink Taster’s Choice, are you? No, you aren’t.
  • Get thee to a pawn shop and hock a few valuables. Then send the money directly to me.
  • If the idea of going to a pawn shop scares you (I admit, a lot of them are filled with lowlifes) just send whatever you were going to pawn directly to me. Don’t do this until I have my PO Box though, which should be soon.
  • If you are a child and you’d like to help me but you don’t technically “own” anything, don’t fret! Your parents/legal guardians probably have some pretty nice stuff, right? So box it up, and send it directly to me at my PO Box.^^When I get it, that is.
  • Don’t be afraid to shoplift!*^ If you go into a store wearing a What Would Jesus Do? shirt no one will ever suspect you. I know this from previous experience. Then send what ever you take directly to me at my PO Box. God, I really need to get on the stick about that, don’t I?

Remember, It doesn’t matter if you send $2.00 or $2,000 (although I would obviously prefer the two grand to the two dollars) just send something.

Oh, and you don’t have to donate a cent to enjoy my blog. But if you suddenly feel an overpowering urge to press the “Donate” button and give me money, do it. I’ll be glad you did.

Q: Are donations sent to you tax-deductible?

A: I’m not sure. However, since I’m not a charity, at least in the technical sense, I’m going to say “No.” Ask an accountant to be sure. Whatever he/she says, don’t let that influence your decision whether to donate or not.

Q: You sound like an awful, evil woman. Why should I help you? You probably deserve to rot in prison forever.

A: Whether I am an evil, awful woman or not is beside the point. I still have bills to pay and needs to satisfy. Last time I checked, I am a citizen of the United States of America. That means I’m Innocent until proven Guilty by a group of my peers.

It’s called “Due Process,” bitch. Look it up.

Q: Are you for real?

A: I’m as real as you are, quiz master.


*No, I shouldn’t have to answer that. And I’m not going to.

**This is not a promise

^Do not send macaroni art unless you are under the age of 10

^^Kids, do not actually do this. Unless there is absolutely no way you will get caught.

*^See above warning.