The Starving Bulls**t Artist

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Why I Can’t Buy Bourbon Before Noon on Sunday & Other Dumb Laws April 6, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — madamebitters @ 3:45 am
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Good Evening,

This morning, around 10:00 or so, I decided that I wanted to make Bread Pudding; mostly because I had a bunch of stale bread to get rid of. Plus, I like Bread Pudding.

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Now, I know some of you are thinking, Madame Bitters, why didn’t you crumble up the stale bread and feed it to the birds? Am I right? Is that what you were thinking?

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Damn, I’m good!

I don’t like birds.  I don’t want them in my yard or anywhere near my home.

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There’s a story that explains my fear/hatred of birds, but I’d rather not go into it. Suffice to say, I had a bad experience. That’s all I’m gonna say on the matter.

Hmmm… seems I’ve wandered off topic. Sorry about that.

Anyway, I decided to make Bread Pudding at around 10:00 am. So I began gathering my ingredients, tearing up the bread, etc.

Then I go to my liquor cabinet for some bourbon (Bread Pudding needs bourbon for it’s sauce). I move the bottles around and, out of  my numerous bottles of booze, there is not a drop of bourbon to be found.

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So I get dressed and I leave the house for the nearest liquor store, which is far, far away. The town I live in is “dry” as are the other towns near me.  To get the bourbon I need, I have to make a half hour drive.

This wouldn’t be a big deal under normal circumstances, but since it was a NASCAR weekend, the traffic was thick and the trip took about twice as long as it normally would have. Since I don’t care for NASCAR, I had forgotten about it.

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I make it to the liquor/convience store around 11:30. I go in, go straight to the liquor aisle and pick up a small bottle of bourbon. Less than 5 minutes later, I’m ready to buy my booze and make the drive home.

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I go up to the counter. The man looks at my bottle and says, “I can’t sell this to you.”

So I dig around in my purse for some ID and I show him my driver’s license.

“No, the state law prohibits me from selling alcohol before noon on Sundays.”

Shit! I’d forgotten about this law. I try to convince him by telling the clerk it’s for a recipe I’m making. It makes no difference

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So I stand at the counter for the entire 15 minutes while he straightens the cigarettes and lotto ticket dispensers. At 12:01, I buy my bourbon and drive home.

Now this story, which I admit was a little long, is to illustrate an example of a stupid law. Granted, I do live in the Bible Belt (I’ll bet the NASCAR reference gave it away) so this law may not be viewed as stupid by certain people.

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Here are some laws that serve absolutely no purpose whatsoever, except maybe to be included on lists like this one.

Here they are in the order in which I found them:

  1. It’s illegal to operate a motor vehicle while blindfolded– Alabama
  2. There is a $500 fine if you bother a butterfly in Pacific Grove, CA
  3. You may not pay for a  50-cent item with only pennies– Canada
  4. It’s illegal for a man to give his wife or girlfriend a box of candy if it weighs less than 50lbs– Idaho
  5. It’s illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, birds or any other domesticated animal kept as a pet– Illinois
  6. It’s illegal to pick ones nose on the Sabbath- Israel
  7. It’s illegal to transport and ice cream cone in your pocket– Kentucky
  8. It’s illegal to fish for whales on Sunday– Ohio
  9. Prostitution is legal, but it’s illegal to use the services of a prostitute–Sweden
  10. It’s illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish– Tennessee
  11. It’s unlawful for chickens to lay eggs before 8 am and after 4 pm– West Virginia

I really can’t bitch too much, though. While I may not be able to buy booze until noon on Sunday, at least I can fish for whales!

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13 Responses to “Why I Can’t Buy Bourbon Before Noon on Sunday & Other Dumb Laws”

  1. Recipe man Says:

    haha!! great post

  2. jesusbudda Says:

    “It’s illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish– Tennessee”

    That one just caught my attention for it’s randomness.
    How the hell can you even attempt to catch a fish with a lasso?????

  3. My personal favorite is the 50 lbs box of candy.

    If someone gave me that much candy, it would probably last me for the rest of my life. Not a big fan of candy in general

  4. Ram Venkatararam Says:

    Interesting. Personally, when I had my convenience store, I sold liquor 24/7. Though I tried not to sell to minors until they could show me that they had finished their homework.

  5. alantru Says:

    Will you tell us about the birds one day, maybe…?

    I was surprised to learn you live in a dry town. Even more so to learn you lived in the bible belt… Although dry town and bible-belt, go together really well, don’t they? I mean, that’s the equivalent of “hey you got peanut butter in my chocolate.”

    Anyway, perhaps you could toss bibles at the birds and kill them with the wrath of God and your good throwing arm?

  6. jesusbudda Says:

    @ Alantru: “I was surprised to learn you live in a dry town.”

    – A dry town?
    Does that mean it has no sense of humor?

    MB must be seriously out of place there!

  7. womaninblack Says:

    In the UK, we have:
    1. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament

    2. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside-down

    3. In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless except as a clerk in a tropical fish store

    4. Mince pies cannot be eaten on Christmas Day

    5. In Scotland, if someone knocks on your door and requires the use of your toilet, you must let them enter

    6. In the UK a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman’s helmet

    7. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the King, and the tail of the Queen

    8. It is illegal not to tell the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing

    9. It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament in a suit of armour

    10. In the city of York it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow

    All perfectly reasonable, I think.

  8. Ram: “Though I tried not to sell to minors until they could show me that they had finished their homework.”

    — That’s exactly what your problem is, Ram. You just care too damned much!

    alantru: Will you tell us about the birds one day, maybe…?

    — Maybe, if I run out of things to write about. It’s a harrowing tale of wildlife gone wild. I will accept no responsibility for your nightmares after hearing it.

    Yeah, I do live in the Bible Belt. There are churches everywhere and most of them are so huge and modern looking that they resemble shopping malls.

    There’s a truckstop by my house and on Sundays they convert the IHOP that’s connected to it into a makeshift church for the long haul truckers. I’m so not kidding.

    I don’t have any extra Bibles to throw at the birds. All of my Bibles are busy keeping chairs from wobbling and doors from shutting.

    JB: A dry town?
    Does that mean it has no sense of humor?

    MB must be seriously out of place there!

    Yes, JB. You’re right on both counts!

    WIB: All perfectly reasonable, I think.

    Yes, I agree completly. Especially with #10.

    No town should have to suffer a bow and arrow wielding Scotsman.

  9. alantru Says:

    I look forward to your bird story.

    Until then, keep using those bibles for chair support…

  10. alantru Says:

    Waiting patiently…


    • I apprieciate your patience, alan– I’m not being sarcastic (for once)

      Problem is I have to share this computer with several other people. The good news is I’ve ordered a laptop and It should be shipped to me by the end of the month.

      The only reason I’ve been able to make frequent comments to your blog is because I can get online with my iPhone. I can’t imagine doing a blog post on it though.

      Anyway, thanks again for your patience.

      Perhaps my next post will reveal what exactly happened on that sunny summer morning so many years ago that caused me to loathe/fear birds to this day?

  11. alantru Says:

    Thanks much for the update, madamebitters. (no sarcasm here, either.)

    Whatever the subject of your next post is…

    One thing’s for sure, we’re all looking forward to it.

    Until then.

  12. Well damnit, now I must add to the chorus and demand that you reveal the bird story in all its glory. Hope your computer comes soon so we can do this thing.

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