The Starving Bulls**t Artist

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My Ex-Roomate, the Nudist March 6, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — madamebitters @ 8:23 am
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Good evening:

Did I ever tell you that at one point in my life I had a nudist for a roommate?

I didn’t? Really? Are you sure about that?

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Would you like to hear the story about the nudist I co-habited with for the better part of a year? I don’t know why I’m asking- I’m going to tell the story whether you like it or not.

So here we go.

I saw her ad for a roommate on a billboard at the junior college where I was taking a non-credit mixed media art class. I read her ad and I met all of the requirements: Female, Non-Smoker, No pets, Tidy with a Steady Income. Bingo.

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The ad had several strips with her name (Carrie) and phone number on them that could be torn off. So I took one. I called her after my class let out and we set up a meeting the next afternoon at a diner by the college.

Anyway, we met up the next day and we hit it off right away. Carrie asked me a few questions: What did I  do for a living (she was a  manager at The Limited), if I would have people over a lot (she was a bit on the shy side), if I drank (she never touched the stuff, but it was fine if I did, so long as I didn’t get obnoxious or sick).

These are the sort of questions that a person asks a prospective roommate and I was prepared for them. However, I was not prepared for her final question: How I felt about nudists.

I didn’t think I heard her correctly. “Did you just ask me how I felt about nudists?” I asked her. She nodded.

“Well, they’re okay, I guess. Why do you ask?” 

It turned out Carrie was a “nudist at heart”. When I asked her what that meant she told me that, while she lived in a clothed society in private she preferred to be nude at all times.

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While I digested this bit of information, she also told me that she had a timeshare at a nudist resort and campground and that she spent every vacation there with her nudist friends.

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Carrie asked me if I would have a problem with her lifestyle. I weighed my current living situation (which was with my parents, as I was between roommates at the time) against living with someone who spent the majority of her free-time in the nude.

What could I say? Living with your parents when you’re an adult is frustrating, to put it mildly. While you know you’re an adult, they forget it and end up treating you like a willful, disobedient child. At least that’s how my situation was.

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I just had two questions for Carrie: Do you and your friends sit on towels when you’re all nude  in the living room and Would I have to get nude with you? She answered yes to the first question and no to the second, so we agreed I could move in the next day.

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Since I didn’t have a lot of possessions at the time, the movers had me in Carrie’s apartment by late afternoon. As soon as the moving crew left, Carrie stripped down, got a bottle of water and flopped down on the sofa (on which a towel had already been spread.) “Oh, man! I thought they’d never leave!”

Even though she told about her nudist tendencies, actually seeing her in the altogether was something else entirely. I wished with every fiber of my being that the movers would come back, perhaps for a piece of equipment they had forgotten. I looked around. No such luck

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“Come on, sit down. You’ve gotta be tired,” she said. I was, so I sat in a chair on the other side of the room. She switched on the TV and we watched a rerun of Friends.  It was the one where the gang thinks that their neighbor in the building across from theirs, Ugly Naked Guy, may be dead. Who says that God doesn’t have a sense of humor?

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I went to bed early.

Over the next few days, I avoided contact with Carrie as much as possible without being too obvious. She still knew I was uncomfortable and things between us grew strained.

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I felt like an uptight, prudish bitch. Carrie was a nice person and this seemed to be her only quirk. I made it a point to be around her more, to force myself to get used to her nakedness. If for no other reason than I wouldn’t have to live with my folks again. Amazingly, it worked.

Seeing Carrie nude became a part of life. It was as commonplace as say, seeing a lamp or chair, and after awhile I just didn’t notice anymore. In fact, on the rare occasions I saw Carrie wearing clothes it seemed wrong to me.

Things went on like that for a few months, our living somewhat in harmony together. But then she fucked it up by deciding to stop wearing clothes when I had my boyfriend (at that time) over.

We (me and the boyfriend) had been seeing each other for a couple of months and he was over at the apartment two or three times a week. Carrie decided she couldn’t bring herself to wear clothes on the days he came over. Later, she said she wasn’t being true to her ideals

One day when we came home from dinner we walked in on her vacuuming in the nude. I was shocked and more than a little miffed. She had never pulled anything like this before.

 As for my boyfriend his eyes were so bugged out of his head he looked like a caricature of himself. The kind a failed artist on a street corner would draw. I told him to leave and the tone of voice I used left no room for argument.

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After he was gone, we got into a terrible argument. I had never wanted to hit someone so bad in my life . I think I would have eventually had a neighbor not called the police to report a domestic disturbance.

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When the cops (there was 2 of them) got there, they thought we were having a lover’s spat- probably because Carrie was still naked when they arrived. I explained the situation, but I don’t think they believed me. They didn’t stay long and I’m sure they told quite a story to their cronies.

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I left that night and stayed with a friend of mine. The next day I went back to the apartment to get my things and to get even with Carrie.

After I packed up all of my stuff I went into Carrie’s bedroom (she was at work, as I knew she would be). I stole every article of clothes she owned; even her socks, undergarments, shoes, and hats. As you can imagine, there wasn’t a lot to take. Then I left.

On my way home I stopped by the Goodwill Superstore and donated all of Carrie’s things. The woman at the counter told me that, “the world would be a better place if more generous people like you were around.” I just smiled, thanked her and left the store.

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She did call a few times about her missing clothes and to threaten me with bodily harm. But I changed phone numbers and I haven’t had anymore problems with her.

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Are all nudists bat-shit crazy like Carrie was? I doubt it. A lot of them are old and were former hippies, so they’re pretty mellow. Besides, most nudists are the last people on Earth you’d ever want to see naked. Attraction and jealousy rarely come into play.

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And that’s my story about my ex-roommate, the nudist.


11 Responses to “My Ex-Roomate, the Nudist”

  1. jesusbudda Says:

    Lovely story.
    I’m glad she at least used a towel.

    Naked women can be slightly disturbing when they’re not in a ‘proper’ setting.
    When i was an art student i always remember how awkward it was in life drawing classes with one particular model. She enjoyed making the male’s squirm by selecting one at random (often me) and posing spread-eagled while staring directly at her ‘victim’.

    Myself and some the other ‘vets’ later shared our confused feelings: mostly uncomfortableness, anxiety, shame mixed with a bizarre semi-erotic daze!
    When she was finished posing she would make sure to stare intently with a sly smile on her face at whoever her victim was.

    She scared us!

    By the way, was your room-mate at least ‘hot’?!

    Only kidding!

  2. missfierce Says:

    yes, nude people can be an unsettling experience in the wrong situation.

    This is probably just me, but I somehow felt like I shouldve been nude too because she was nude. But I didn’t feel strongly enough to actually strip down, though.

    It’s weird to have a conversation when one of the participents are nude and the other is clothed. If we were either both clothed of both nude, things wouldve been ok because she was a good conversationalist.

    It was sorta like being a voyeur, but being a part of things at the same time.

    Anyway, Carrie wasn’t “hot” like Victorias Secret model, but she was attractive. But, like 99% of the population, she looked better dressed.

    Being a nudist isn’t about sex or seduction. It’s a lifestyle. There’s a reason why most nudists should wear clothes.

    So the class model took a shine to you, did she? You dog! That’s the stuff pornos Penthouse Forum letters are made of.

    She sounds predatory. Was she “hot”? 😉

  3. jesusbudda Says:

    “Anyway, Carrie wasn’t “hot” like Victorias Secret model, but she was attractive. ”

    – I class ‘hot’ as not the elephant man!
    ‘Regular’ ordinary women are what is attractive as far as I’m concerned.
    Barbie-doll types aren’t hot. They are just plain creepy fake.
    But thats just me. Plenty like that Barbie thing.
    It’s a bit like the Paris Hilton thing at the moment with women: it’s like the Stepford Wifes! Everyone looks the same, acts the same, talks the same.
    No thanks.

    “Being a nudist isn’t about sex or seduction. It’s a lifestyle. There’s a reason why most nudists should wear clothes.”

    – Most nudists are old and fat and wrinkly.
    Nude beaches are really just for perverts to droll over hot French/Danish(?) women who are just tryin’ to make sure they don’t end up with tan-lines!

    “So the class model took a shine to you, did she? You dog! That’s the stuff pornos Penthouse Forum letters are made of.”

    – Intimidating. Very, very intimidating!
    I really think she did it for dominance. Mark her territory. A bit scary really for a guy. For us guys. We shared our fears.

    “She sounds predatory. Was she “hot”? 😉 ”

    – If you class scary and intimidating as ‘hot’ – then yeah!
    There were many others less well….endowed than her and i personally preferred one of those others.

    The irony of the whole thing is that whenever they had to get dressed or undressed they hid in a corner behind a curtain.
    I always found that kinda unusual. One minute your naked in front of lots of people, the next your covering up shyly.

  4. eksith Says:

    There are nuts in every group.

    “Are all nudists bat-shit crazy like Carrie was? I doubt it.”
    And you would be correct.
    Many are nice people and, in fact, quite ordinary except for the missing clothing.

    I can understand why a lot of people would get irked with nakedness as we’re taught from childhood, being clothed is good. Being naked is always bad, unless you’re a baby or a performer.

    The one down side would be nudist sports.
    I think the men’s hurdles would… er…

    Nudists tend to get a very bad rap because of people like Carrie. It takes some getting used to (especially since there’s no application process to be one), but if people aren’t jerks, their nudism is easy to get over. Even when company arrives.

    Sorry you had such a difficult experience with that particular individual.

  5. jesusbudda Says:

    “Sorry you had such a difficult experience with that particular individual.”

    – Yes, you can see ow deeply traumatized I am by it!
    Not the worst thing in the world – having a naked woman sprawled before you, is it?

    I wonder where Carrie is now?
    Maybe she changed?
    It happens.

    Funny to see the two of you bump in to each other again.
    I can only imagine the strange atmosphere!

  6. missfierce Says:

    I think she moved to Florida. You know it’s always warm there. Maybe you didn’t know, but now you do. Maybe Carrie hooked up with Buck?

    Anyway, the chance of us bumping into eachother are slim to none. She’d probably still be mad about her clothes. She seems the type to hold a grudge.

    You’re right about how a few screwed up people can damage the reputation of a particular group of people. It really is a shame.

    So you were an art student, huh? That’s something I’ve always wanted to do: go to the Art Institute. I always liked sculpting best. What was your “specialty”?

  7. jesusbudda Says:

    “What was your “specialty”?”

    – Not turning up.
    Falling asleep.

  8. missfierce Says:

    Not turning up and falling asleep?

    You sound like the sort of scholar that I was, which is not one at all.

  9. jesusbudda Says:

    It’s hard to bother doing something when the lecturers (or whatever) are shit.
    If i don’t respect someone, I don’t bother with them.

    Maybe thats the way you are too, i don’t know.

    I know this is slightly different but, when i was a school kid i took an instant dislike to the teacher that tried to be ‘cool’. you know, the one that tried to be ‘down wt the kids’.
    It was just instinct – but it turned out to always be correct: the ‘cool’ teacher was a dick.

    The odd teacher that just got on with the job and maybe spiced things up with a genuine enthusiasm for whatever they were trying to get across always gained my respect. And I’d try because they were ‘trying’.

    Never learned anything, though!
    Thats what books are for – and reading what you are interested in yourself.

    Now I’m rambling.

    Still rambling.

  10. missfierce Says:

    I always hated the teacher who was hyper-involved. I guess that’s a variant on the “let’s be pals” type of teacher you mentioned earlier.

    The best class I ever had was this one English class in high school. I don’t remeber the teachers name but the way she set up the lesson plan was brilliant in my opinion.

    The first day she gave us a long list of books. We had to pick at least 3 per semester and we had to tell her our choices. At the end of each 6 week grading period we submitted a research paper on whatever book we chose.

    We had to read a minimum of 6 books and submit a mimimum of 6 reports in the school year, more if we wanted extra credit. That was it. There were no lectures, our classtime was used to read and research/write our reports. I loved it because I could work at my own pace with minimal interference from the teacher or other students.

    I was one of, like, 6 students who passed that class and the only one who made an A.

    People have diffetent ways of learning and working. I’ve always done best if people just leave me the hell alone and let me do my own thing! I HATED working in groups and still do. I think that’s a big problem with teaching today. Nobody recognizes that and all the kids are forced into one mold.

  11. jesusbudda Says:

    “People have diffetent ways of learning and working. I’ve always done best if people just leave me the hell alone and let me do my own thing! I HATED working in groups and still do. I think that’s a big problem with teaching today. Nobody recognizes that and all the kids are forced into one mold.”

    -I agree with everything you’re sayin’.

    Teaching is just not ‘learning’. You can’t force someone to learn but you can at least try and guide them in the direction. Kids are interested in all sorts – but tend not to be interested when they think they’re supposed to be doing something!

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