The Starving Bulls**t Artist

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Things People Wear That Make Me Wish I Was Blind February 21, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — madamebitters @ 7:04 am

Good evening, my pretties,

Tonight’s chosen topic: Stupid clothes and trends that annoy me so much they make me wish I was blind.

The fashion faux-pas on this list go far beyond wearing white after Labor Day and panty lines. These offences are are much more transgresive and, well, offensive.

Now, I’m a fashinoable woman but I’m also pracitical when choosing my clothing and accessories. I’m stylish, yet savvy.

So, when I see someone on the street or at the store commiting these fashion attrocities I want to run up to them, slap them as hard as I can across the face, shake them roughly by the shoulders and scream, “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! WHY, IN THE NAME OF GOD, ARE YOU WEARING FALSE EYELASHES THAT EVEN A DRAG QUEEN WOULD SAY ARE TOO GARISH?!”

So, without furthur ado, here is my list of things people wear that make me wish I was blind:

  • People who live in Florida and wear those huge,  furry, ugly boots that should only be worn by those living in the tundra.

The most widely known brand of these hideous boots are UGGS. UGGS are usually worn by movie stars in warm, balmy climates and paired with something ridiculous, like a micro-mini skirt.

  • People who wear shorts and sweatshirts.

Why do people do this? They look like confused Eskimos. Wearing  pants and a short sleeved top is perfectly acceptable. Pairing a sweatshirt and shorts together is just sillyness. To ensure you look your stupidest, finish off this ensamble with a pair of UGGS.

  • Wealthy people who dress like the bums and bagladies

True story: I was at the grocery store when I saw a couple in their late twenties/early thirties pushing their cart slowly among the aisles. The price of their outfits cost approximately $10.00 combined. They looked dirty, were ratty, wrinkled, and just awful in general.

Later on, as I carried my purchases to the car I saw the previously mentioned couple loading their groceries into….a Mercedes SUV.

Looking back, I suppose they could actually be homeless and that they lived in their SUV. If it were me, I’d have gotten a KIA and spent the left over money on decent clothes. But maybe that’s just me.

  • People who wear an insane ammount of gold jewelry.

I don’t mean a couple of rings, a necklace, a Rolex or some big hoop earrings. I’m talking about those deluded individuals who display their wealth by wearing seven gold necklaces and chains, rings on every finger (thumbs included), bracelets and a Rolex on each wrist. The only people who can even somewhat pull off this look are rappers. And even they look silly.

  • Ugly, fat people who wear baby-tees that say things like, “SEXY” and “CUTIE” and tight sweat pants that say, “JUICY” on the ass.

Let’s be honest, the main offenders of this one are women. The baby-tee is:

A. Three sizes too small for you

B. A blatant lie

As far as the sweatpants are concerned, they should be a bit baggy. They should not be as tight as the casing on a sausage. And no one should have their ass advertised as being JUICY. It’s stupid and misleading.

I propose that the designers of these baby-tees and sweatpants be strung up and beaten like pinatas over the course of several days for two reasons:

1. Designing these awful, tacky clothes in the first place

2. For making them in “Plus sizes”

  • Parents who dress their offspring in inappropriate clothes.

We’ve all seen those eight year old boys dressed in either slacks, spit-shined loafers and a tie or baggy pants that fall off them, paired with a “wife beater” and a ‘do-rag.

We’ve all seen those 4th grade girls who wear tube tops and ultra low-rise jeans or dressed like miniature versions of their mothers.

It’s creepy to see an 8 year old who looks like either an accountant or a tiny car jacker.

 It’s also creepy to see a 4th grade girl who, if you gave her a cigarette and a black eye, could be mistaken for a very small hooker. Do I even need to go into how weird it is to see a mother and her 6 year old dressed in matching outfits?

  • People who wear stripes and plaid patterns together.

This is one that mostly men are guilty of. Shockingly, not all of the men who do this are old. Some are young “hipster” types with spiky hair. Neither can pull it off, so don’t you be tempted to try it.

  • Neon colors look good on NOBODY!

Period. Leave the neon in the 80’s where it belongs. Same with acid-washed jeans.

  • Threadbare jeans that cost $200. On sale

I saw a group of teenagers loitering in my neighbor’s yard. Maybe one of the teenagers lived there, I don’t know and I don’t care. That’s not the point, though.

All of these kids had on ripped up, holy jeans that were so worn I could have read my newspaper through them, had I been so inclined.

I thought about asking one of them if I could borrow their jeans, just to prove my point, but then thought better of it. I have too many legal problems as it is. I don’t need to be labled as a sexual predator to boot.

Well, kids, that’s all for now. I will be doing a Part II on this post when I get around to it.

Be patient, my dears.

~MB~

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10 Responses to “Things People Wear That Make Me Wish I Was Blind”

  1. jesusbudda Says:

    One of the funniest and truest things I have ever read on a website!!!!

    Oh, and about homeless people fashion – Italian homeless/beggars are some of the most fashionable people I have ever witnessed. They are just so damn suave regardless of their wealth.

    Dressing babies like adults is just plain weird.
    Another thing is dressing twins/triplets/octuplets in the same clothes. Creepy!

    Fat bastards in t shirts with slogans are – puke!

    Pink cotton pants on fat women.

    Big, dangly earrings on teenage skanks.

    White socks on display.

    And haircuts?
    The mullet with bum fluff mustache combo.
    Hair coated in a slime of gel and combed forward, flat on the head. Why?
    Hair cut in a straight line across the ear.
    Peroxide curly spaghetti hair on thin-faced, no-lip women.

    I had long hair once. Never, ever again. People thought I was a mental patient.
    Strangely I seemed to attract the attention of very good looking short women. I don’t know why. Maybe they pitied me?
    But why only short good-looking women?

  2. missfierce Says:

    do you have some problem with short women? What is “short” in your opinion?
    what, you don’t like short ladies? What do you consider to be short? 5 feet? 5’4?

    Speaking of short, I had short hair once. I hated it. It was the only time in my life that lesbians (dykes mostly) regularly hit on me. First few times it happened I laughed it off. After that it weird.

    Men with long, gorgeous locks bother me. Why do they get the pretty hair? It’s just not fair!

    It’s not suprising that even Italian homeless are stylish. The clothes that are donated to the poor from average italians are Dolce & Gabana, Versace, Gucci ect.

    Anyway, I’m glad you enjoyed this post.

    I was refering to the homeless you’d find in NYC and LA.

  3. jesusbudda Says:

    “do you have some problem with short women? What is “short” in your opinion?
    what, you don’t like short ladies? What do you consider to be short? 5 feet? 5′4?”

    I have no problem with short women. None at all.
    My point (if I had one at all) was that it was specifically short women that wanted to be around the long-haired Jesus Budda.
    Only short women.
    And when I say ‘short’ I’m talking of women who I’d be able to rest my elbows on their head and lean on them like a walking stick.
    Not that I would lean on them in this way.

    My hair was the worst hair ever in the history of hair.
    It was like a mental patients hair.
    There was no ‘style’.

    If you are a ‘short’ woman , then i am sorry if you’ve taken my posting badly.
    Don’t do anything crazy.

    • missfierce Says:

      When I made my reply (the one before this one) I was typing it on my iPhone and I thought my first sentence about you not likeing short girls was deleted because I couldn’t see it.

      So I wrote it again and the 2 statements together gives the impression that you pissed me off and that I got offended. I’m not though. So don’t worry; we’re cool.

  4. jesusbudda Says:

    “the 2 statements together gives the impression that you pissed me off and that I got offended. I’m not though. So don’t worry; we’re cool.”

    -No were not, you fucking bitch!

    Only joking, you fucking bitch.
    Sarcasm – it’s great isn’t it?
    Fuck that.*

    *for anyone reading this, please be aware that Jesus Budda and Madame Bitters are good friends and this is not real.

  5. missfierce Says:

    I’m glad you included that asterick at the bottom of your reply.

    I thought you were serious and that you didnt like me anymore 😦

    I thought I was going to start crying, but then I remembered that I don’t have tear ducts. Part of being a Pod Person, you know.

    Did I tell you about this before? It seems familliar.

    Oh, guess what? Since we’re such good friends, I decided to make you a friendship bracelet. Out of hair. It’s not my hair because that would be weird.

    I got it out of the dumpster behind the Super Cuts that’s by my house. You want me to ship it to you Priority Mail? It costs extra but you’re worth it!

  6. eksith Says:

    I always look at it like this:
    No matter how bad I think I’ve dressed, someone always tops me.

    BTW… The link in your username is still missing the “.com” part.
    It’s reading http://madamebitters.wordpress instead of https://madamebitters.wordpress.com .

    Try clicking on “missfierce” in the comment section and you’ll see what I mean.

  7. jesusbudda Says:

    Talking of hair: I was trying to clean up the place today when I notivced that the suction from the vacuum cleaner was pretty poor.
    I opened it up to check the bag and it was completely full. Like, I’m talking bursting point!
    And it was full of hair. Where did wall the hair come from????

    I didn’t have a spare bag so I tried making one out of a plastic bag and some tape and staples. It was crap.

    So, I had to try and reuse the old bag. This involved scooping out fistfuls of decayed hair mixed with dead insects, filthy dust and other shit.

    I sneezed non stop for the next 30 minutes.

    So, I don’t want your hair.
    I’ve had enough hair for one day.

    It is hair from your head, isn’t it?
    Just checking.

  8. missfierce Says:

    Are you sure you aren’t molting, sorta like a bird. Except with hair instead of feathers?

    Whenever you buy a new vacum cleaner, get the kind that’s bagless. That way you can empty it much easier and you don’t have to worry about poor suction from an overfilled bag. They’re more expensive but they’re worth it because it’s simply a superior vaccum.

    If you had read my last reply more carefully, you would have known that it’s NOT my hair I used to make your friendship bracelet, but hair I found in a dumpster behind salon. There’s no telling how many people, “contributed” to the making of your bracelet.

    I don’t think the salon does waxing, so everythings okay where that’s concerned.

  9. jesusbudda Says:

    Yeah, I reread your posting after I wrote mine and saw that it wasn’t your own hair.

    But still, it’s the thought that counts, isn’t it?

    Yeah I’d love one of those fancy bagless vacuum cleaners. Make me feel like a real man.

    No one would mess with JB if I had a bagless vac. Probably.
    Or probably not.


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