Good evening, my pretties,
Tonight’s chosen topic: Stupid clothes and trends that annoy me so much they make me wish I was blind.
The fashion faux-pas on this list go far beyond wearing white after Labor Day and panty lines. These offences are are much more transgresive and, well, offensive.
Now, I’m a fashinoable woman but I’m also pracitical when choosing my clothing and accessories. I’m stylish, yet savvy.
So, when I see someone on the street or at the store commiting these fashion attrocities I want to run up to them, slap them as hard as I can across the face, shake them roughly by the shoulders and scream, “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! WHY, IN THE NAME OF GOD, ARE YOU WEARING FALSE EYELASHES THAT EVEN A DRAG QUEEN WOULD SAY ARE TOO GARISH?!”
So, without furthur ado, here is my list of things people wear that make me wish I was blind:
- People who live in Florida and wear those huge, furry, ugly boots that should only be worn by those living in the tundra.
The most widely known brand of these hideous boots are UGGS. UGGS are usually worn by movie stars in warm, balmy climates and paired with something ridiculous, like a micro-mini skirt.
- People who wear shorts and sweatshirts.
Why do people do this? They look like confused Eskimos. Wearing pants and a short sleeved top is perfectly acceptable. Pairing a sweatshirt and shorts together is just sillyness. To ensure you look your stupidest, finish off this ensamble with a pair of UGGS.
- Wealthy people who dress like the bums and bagladies
True story: I was at the grocery store when I saw a couple in their late twenties/early thirties pushing their cart slowly among the aisles. The price of their outfits cost approximately $10.00 combined. They looked dirty, were ratty, wrinkled, and just awful in general.
Later on, as I carried my purchases to the car I saw the previously mentioned couple loading their groceries into….a Mercedes SUV.
Looking back, I suppose they could actually be homeless and that they lived in their SUV. If it were me, I’d have gotten a KIA and spent the left over money on decent clothes. But maybe that’s just me.
- People who wear an insane ammount of gold jewelry.
I don’t mean a couple of rings, a necklace, a Rolex or some big hoop earrings. I’m talking about those deluded individuals who display their wealth by wearing seven gold necklaces and chains, rings on every finger (thumbs included), bracelets and a Rolex on each wrist. The only people who can even somewhat pull off this look are rappers. And even they look silly.
- Ugly, fat people who wear baby-tees that say things like, “SEXY” and “CUTIE” and tight sweat pants that say, “JUICY” on the ass.
Let’s be honest, the main offenders of this one are women. The baby-tee is:
A. Three sizes too small for you
B. A blatant lie
As far as the sweatpants are concerned, they should be a bit baggy. They should not be as tight as the casing on a sausage. And no one should have their ass advertised as being JUICY. It’s stupid and misleading.
I propose that the designers of these baby-tees and sweatpants be strung up and beaten like pinatas over the course of several days for two reasons:
1. Designing these awful, tacky clothes in the first place
2. For making them in “Plus sizes”
- Parents who dress their offspring in inappropriate clothes.
We’ve all seen those eight year old boys dressed in either slacks, spit-shined loafers and a tie or baggy pants that fall off them, paired with a “wife beater” and a ‘do-rag.
We’ve all seen those 4th grade girls who wear tube tops and ultra low-rise jeans or dressed like miniature versions of their mothers.
It’s creepy to see an 8 year old who looks like either an accountant or a tiny car jacker.
It’s also creepy to see a 4th grade girl who, if you gave her a cigarette and a black eye, could be mistaken for a very small hooker. Do I even need to go into how weird it is to see a mother and her 6 year old dressed in matching outfits?
- People who wear stripes and plaid patterns together.
This is one that mostly men are guilty of. Shockingly, not all of the men who do this are old. Some are young “hipster” types with spiky hair. Neither can pull it off, so don’t you be tempted to try it.
- Neon colors look good on NOBODY!
Period. Leave the neon in the 80’s where it belongs. Same with acid-washed jeans.
- Threadbare jeans that cost $200. On sale
I saw a group of teenagers loitering in my neighbor’s yard. Maybe one of the teenagers lived there, I don’t know and I don’t care. That’s not the point, though.
All of these kids had on ripped up, holy jeans that were so worn I could have read my newspaper through them, had I been so inclined.
I thought about asking one of them if I could borrow their jeans, just to prove my point, but then thought better of it. I have too many legal problems as it is. I don’t need to be labled as a sexual predator to boot.
Well, kids, that’s all for now. I will be doing a Part II on this post when I get around to it.
Be patient, my dears.