See, even these teenagers know the magic that alcohol brings to any party.
Greetings, minions!
Tonight’s post concerns the fine art of entertaining. Before I begin, let me ask you, kind reader, a question:
Have you ever hosted a party?
You haven’t? Seriously?
Oh my God! You are such a loser! Excuse me while I collapse in derisive laughter……..
Whew!<wipes tear from eye> It’s been a long time since I’ve had a good laugh. Thank you for that.
Let get back to the subject at hand: parties, and how to throw a good one.
Now, I’m no Martha Stewart when it comes to entertaining. Or really anything else for that matter (I apologize if I misled any of you).
However, anyone who has ever had the privilege to attend one of my soirees will tell you what a grand time they had, and that my parties are legendary. And I wouldn’t be paying them to say it, either. That’s because I don’t have any money since no one has Donated any to me.
I suppose if I had to name someone as my entertainment role model, it would be Amy Sedaris. I own her book, I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence.
Consequently, some of the tips I pass on to you, lovely reader of my blog, may be in the aforementioned book. Thanks in advance, Amy Sedaris! (please don’t sue me)
- Every party you ever throw (including children’s parties, especially children’s parties) should have an ample supply of booze.
Beer and liquor (with their corresponding mixers) are must-haves at any party. It might be wise to have a few ‘sissy’ drinks like wine coolers, Zimas and Smirnoff Ice on hand for the ‘lightweights’
- If you have ‘good’ (expensive) booze, hide it.
Unless your party guests are people you want to impress, don’t waste your best booze on them.
Now that the most important thing (booze) has been covered, we can go onto other things. Like food.
- The most important thing at any party is alcohol.
Alcohol is the lifeblood of any good bash. It’s the lubricant that helps your party run smoothly. Spend most of your money procuring some. Whatever (if any) you have left can be spent on food.
- Don’t put a lot of effort into the party snacks. Unless you want to impress your guests or you just enjoy that kind of thing
Don’t forget what most people come to a party for: Free booze and the possibility of hooking up with someone.
If you go all out and make something like duck liver pate it will likely go unnoticed. And guess what: you feel under appreciated and then you get mad.
Good hosts/hostesses do not get mad at their guests. They get even by doing things to the offending guest’s refreshments and going through their purse/wallet.
Here are a few more tips you may find useful when you throw your bash:
- Invite an equal number of men and women. Guys don’t wanna attend a “sausage fest” any more than gals wanna go to a party than has fewer men than Bed, Bath and Beyond on Superbowl Sunday.
- Be sure to invite a diverse mix of people. This is the most vital part of throwing any party. Besides the booze, of course.
For instance, if you decide to invite your buddy who is an astronomer to the party consider inviting that friend of a friend who’s an astrologer. Introduce the two, step back, and wait for the sparks to fly! Here are a few more suggestions.
*A liberal who is pro-choice and a conservative, pro-lifer.
*An atheist and someone who has recently been “born again”.
*Your best friend, your best friend’s ex, and their respective new partners.
*A vegan and….well, anyone else who is normal.
If you make an interesting and diverse guest list, your party will be the better for it. You and your other guests may also get some free Jerry Springer-style entertainment. It beats shelling out money for strippers.
- A good party needs a complementary “soundtrack”
Let’s suppose you’re planning a rowdy, Animal-House kinda party, complete with kegs and a monkey (I don’t think there was a monkey in Animal House, but I think a monkey is a good addition to any rowdy party). What’s the worst music for this type of bash? Anything by Enya, Celine Dion, or those chanting monks.
Likewise, you may plan a party where you choose to invite some fairly conservative people. If this is the situation keep your Ludacris, Danzig and Skinny Puppy CDs far, far away from your sound system for the duration of the party.
- Consider throwing a “theme party” if that sort of thing appeals to you. They can be a blast with the right kind of people, and I’ve had great success with them. Here are some ideas:
*A Pimps and Hos Party: You need someone to go with. One of you needs to dress up and be the Pimp. The other needs to dress up and be the Ho. Flip a coin to decide
*White-trash Bash: Break out the cut-offs, tube tops, and Confederate Trucker caps. Decorate with old scratch-offs, NASCAR paraphernalia, rusted lawn furniture and last but not least, pink flamingos.
*A Pajama Party:This party can be a bit misleading. People show up in their pjs, night gowns, ect. Can be as tame (think flannel nightgowns and longjohns) or as risque (silky negligees, shortie pjs) as you like. It’s not a “slumber party” where everyone spends the night. That’s really not a “party”; it’s an orgy, which are fun as well.
*A Toga Party: Be warned; a Toga Party, like a Pajama Party, can also wander into “orgy territory” if you aren’t vigilant. Not that this is always a bad thing, though.
*An 80’s Party (or 70’s party or 90’s party): Dress up in the style (or a popular person) from the designated decade.
- Set a strict time for the party to end. Enforce it.
If you say something like, “The party starts at 6-ish and goes on until question marks,” a few of your guests will not leave, perhaps for days. They either won’t notice the hints you give them to get the hell out or they’ll willfully ignore them.
I learned this lesson the hard way. I didn’t set a strict departure time for my party guests. The party that I thought would only last a few hours went on for two days. The stragglers only left when the booze was gone.
Well, kids, that’s it.
At least I think that’s it.
Shit, did I forget anything?
If I did forget something(s) I will write a new post listing the things I forgot on this post.
Okay?
A “Part II,” if you will.
Goodnight, my minions. And don’t forget to Donate to my fund! I haven’t thought of a catchy name for said fund yet, but don’t let that stop you.
Giving me money is just a couple of mouse clicks away! 🙂
XOXO ~MB~
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The Starving Bulls**t Artist 
This is sad, but I once ended up going to a party for little, tiny kids when I was a teenager.
Don’t ask!
I wanted to die. Right there. On the floor. Curl up and die.
I have no idea how I ended up there but I think it could have involved some weird relative thing.
I am not a party person.
Party people, to be honest, are generally just noisy fools.
At night they make noise, dance wildly and shit. Day comes and they return to their form as the most dull people ever -secretaries and bank assistants.
Alcohol is essential to make any event bearable.
Just give a baby a few shots of vodka and watch the fun times happen.
There was no alcohol at my terrible party nightmare.
I still squirm and suffer flashbacks.
Oh, and make sure the pat happens in complete darkness. Again, it helps make everything bearable.
I know you told me not to ask, but I have to: How in the hell did you wind up at a small child’s birthday?
Were you the party entertainment, like a clown or magician?
Were you doing a friend/family member a favor by helping out at their kid’s birthday party?
I’m not making fun of you or laughing at you. I’m asking an honest question: How does something like that occur? Whatever happened to put you in that awkward situation likely has an interesting story behind it.
I don’t go to parties anymore- at least the wild kind where the cops show up and start arresting people. I sure as hell don’t host them.- not since one of my guests got so shit-faced that he mistook my kitchen pantry for a urinal a couple years back.
I lived in a house right after my high school graduation with 6 other roomates and whoever happened to be crashing there at the time. The oldest person in the house was probably only about 22, so living there was a lot like Animal House , except it was like that 24/7.
I really enjoyed living there (at least what I’m able to remember about it), but I know I couldn’t live that way now.
As for the ear lobe thing, I’m glad you agree with me. I’m not sure why that is, though.
I really hate going to parties.
Besides the fact that everyone’s an idiot (and no one remembers being an idiot afterwards) I always end up driving people home.
That’s like one extra chore I could seriously do without.
I haven’t hosted a party since I had the cleaners come in to remove the urine stains off the carpet. Let’s just say I’ll never look at one particular girl same way ever again.
People like you are a very important part of every party- the Designated Dorks- I mean, Drivers. Designated Drivers.
I’m just kidding with you, eksith.
I also have a pee story to tell- it involved some shit-faced doofus and my kitchen pantry. I didn’t know him though, he was a friend of a friend’s boyfriend’s brother or something like that. Never saw him again
Why, thank you! I have always endavored to become a legendary grandmaster of Dork-Fu.
The sad part, it seems, every party I’ve been to since adulthood has involved an arrest, a trip to the ER or some other calamity. Of course I get to sit and watch this mess… And then answer the question from the rest of them “what mess?”
Right now I’m sharing my digs with a few trusted family members who I trust won’t be peeing on the carpets.
I had an apartment a while back. Luckily, it already had pee stains so my friends had nothing to contribute… besides vomit.
-“I know you told me not to ask, but I have to: How in the hell did you wind up at a small child’s birthday?”
I can’t explain it. I really can’t. It was a terrible, terrible nightmare that somehow happened without me realizing what was about to unfold.
Surrounded by babies and children.
Picture me – Jesus Budda – wearing a party hat in the middle of the floor, with babies encircling me. Over in the corner of the other room, parents watched on in confusion. And pity.
The shame could have been enough to turn a mild mannered teenage boy into a twisted, paranoid cult leader.
I say ‘could have’ when in fact I meant ‘did’.
Although not a party person (i prefer intimate one-on-one scenarios with humans, or other living creatures), I always remember one event thingy were this woman entered the room and started talking to a small group of myslef and 3 others. She was lovely and friendly. And then I noticed that her dress was slipping every time she moved. And she kept talking. And the dress kept slipping down more and more. She continued babbling away but now myself and the others were just focused on the movement of her dress.
Needless to say she wore no bra.
She kept talking and the dress slipped, and slipped. Breast number one revealed. Continue talking. Breast number two revealed.
[sorry about this male interlude, Madame Bitters. Please understand…]
She kept talking. The dress didn’t just drop to the floor but slowly slid down her body.
Her words were mere background music to a cheap peepshow (as opposed to an expensive peepshow).
And then she said she needed another drink, turned and walked away without noticing what had happened.
It was almost as unusual as the time that homeless Hawaiian shirt man stuck a toy gun in my belly and politely asked for an imaginary cigarette.
Almost.
A friend of mine was notoriously mad.
We spent an entire night trying to smash a television set with glasses of whiskey and vodka.
And when he left to go to bed, I continued smashing on his behalf.
I never managed to break the TV.
And I generally have very good aim.
-“People like you are a very important part of every party- the Designated Dorks- I mean, Drivers. Designated Drivers.”
Eksith, I salute your nice ways. You are a gentleman.
The trouble is that most of the designated drivers I have had the misfortune to travel with were out of their head on drugs!
You know something is wrong when the driver tries to put on lipstick, eat a lollipop AND change their shoes – while driving!
That is why I prefer to walk or use the bus (i don’t have a car and drive crazy anyway).
Slightly off topic( thats my way) – I once was doing a driving lesson and the instructor started grabbing the steering wheel to make me turn. I thought she had flipped until I realized I was trying to drive through a house directly in front of me.
I didn’t see the big house right in front of me. Or the other house on either side. Or the garden. Or the trees. Or the fence. Or the wall. Or the fact that I was driving on someones lawn.
Cars are evil.
This was a very long posting from me. For that I am sorry.
“Picture me – Jesus Budda – wearing a party hat in the middle of the floor, with babies encircling me. Over in the corner of the other room, parents watched on in confusion. And pity.”
That sounds terrible. Not just for you, but for everyone involved. Especially the children. Why won’t anyone please think of the children?
The situation with the woman in the dress reminded me of something similar that happened when I was at a friend’s party.
I talking to a guy who was wearing a pair of shorts that were really baggy in the legs. After a few minutes we went out on the patio to sit down. I was sitting across from him and we had picked up our conversation when he crossed his legs (ankle on his opposite knee).
He wasn’t wearing any underwear and I could see his junk. Good Lord, it was awful!
I tried not to look, I really did. But he kept crossing and uncrossing his legs as he spoke, and things were…shifting around.
At first I pitied the guy, but the more I thought about it I realized how stupid and clueless this man was for wearing baggy shorts, sans underwear. I decided he needed to be taught a lesson.
When he was finished talking and I could get a word in edge-wise I said, “You know, I thought most men were circumsised- at least in this country. Your’s is the first uncircumsised penis I’ve ever seen. It looks like it’s wearing a little hat.”
He turned bright red, called me a very bad name and left the party within five minutes of me saying that. The sad part was is that he was cute, charming and funny. Oh, well.
Can you drive at all or are you just a really bad driver? I can’t imagine anyone not knowing how to drive in this day and age. I’ve been driving for nearly half of my life, but where I live it’s a necessity. Not knowing how to drive is not an option.
You must live in a city with a good mass-transit system. The one where I live is shit. Practically nonexistent.
“…up our conversation when he crossed his legs (ankle on his opposite knee).”
“Ankle on the opposite knee”?
I know this is stupid but when I read that it seemed like an instruction for the reader! What was wrong with the way I was sitting?????
Anyways:
Maybe that guy was distantly related to the girl I saw?
Maybe he WAS the girl I saw.
Maybe he was so traumatized by what you said that he went and got circumcised, lost his penis during the procedure and became a she?
Just in case you’re wondering (and I know you’re not), I’ve got my ‘little hat’.
I can’t imagine not having my little hat.
To be honest, I can’t understand the guys reaction. A girl starts talking about his penis and he freaks? Whats that about?
A random, strange guy starts talking about a girl’s…uhm….magic purse….now that would be something to freak out about and run away!
Maybe it’s the way you said it?
“Maybe he WAS the girl I saw.
Maybe he was so traumatized by what you said that he went and got circumcised, lost his penis during the procedure and became a she?”
I had thought about that, believe it or not. I don’t care which.
“Just in case you’re wondering (and I know you’re not), I’ve got my ‘little hat’.”
You’re right, I wasn’t. It was interesting though. His was the first cicumsised penis I’ve ever seen. It was also the last.
Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t like I was so traumatized that I made it a point to ask a guy about it or anything. It’s just rare in this area of the world. Sorta like seeing a cow in a big city, like Chicago.
Of course in other parts of the world (like Europe, or so I’ve been told) the opposite is true, and the cow ananlogy would apply to circumsised penises.
So are you European? 😉
I think the reason he freaked out was because it was so unexpected. We weren’t talking about anything remotely sexual. He was telling me about his recent trip to South America and about how some guy in Brazil had tried to mug him.
Think about it: Your chatting with a girl you just met and everything seems to be going well. Then in the middle of the conversation about how you beat up a guy who tried to rob you in Brazil, she brings up your uncircumsised cock and how she’s never seen one before. That wouldn’t throw you? Not even a little?
“So are you European? ;)”
-Aren’t we all?
That made no sense. It’s obvious that we are all African. Or something.
Do we even exist, at all? Is reality an illusion conjured from the escaped dreams of the dead? Am I talking shit? Yes. Am I aware of this? Yes. Do I know where this is leading? No.
I’m sorry for mentioning my little hat.
That was wrong of me. And inappropriate.
“in the middle of the conversation about how you beat up a guy who tried to rob you in Brazil, she brings up your uncircumcised cock and how she’s never seen one before. That wouldn’t throw you? Not even a little?”
-To be honest, I’d be more interested that she was more interested in the little hat than anything else. I certainly wouldn’t get up and leave.
Especially when it was just two people separate from others at a party or whatever.
AS I’ve said, if it was the other way around and a guy all of sudden came out to a girl with “you have really big nipples” , she would have the right to smack him on the head with a chair and call for help.
But thats just me.
-Aren’t we all?
That made no sense. It’s obvious that we are all African. Or something.
Do we even exist, at all? Is reality an illusion conjured from the escaped dreams of the dead?
Interesting how you managed to side step the question about being European.
I think you are and you just won’t admit it.
I knew you were a limey British (or Irish, Scottish, Welsh, perhaps Canadian) bastard!!
I’m only joking, of course. I love my cousins across the pond.
Actually, the word “love” is a bit strong to describe my feelings. I think “grudgingly tolerates” is a better fit.
-To be honest, I’d be more interested that she was more interested in the little hat than anything else. I certainly wouldn’t get up and leave.
Especially when it was just two people separate from others at a party or whatever.
If you were that guy and I mentioned your little hat unexpectedly in the middle of an otherwise innocent conversation, what would be your reaction? Honestly.
And don’t worry about being inappropriate and making me uncomfortable. In fact, the opposite is true and I was a bit aroused by it.
Now it’s my turn to be inappropriate and your turn to be uncomfortable!
I didn’t sidestep. I clumsily trampled across it in heavy boots.
Make of me what you will.
And make of that what you want.
And make me a cake while you’re at it!
“If you were that guy and I mentioned your little hat unexpectedly in the middle of an otherwise innocent conversation, what would be your reaction? Honestly.
And don’t worry about being inappropriate and making me uncomfortable. In fact, the opposite is true and I was a bit aroused by it.
Now it’s my turn to be inappropriate and your turn to be uncomfortable!”
– How would I make you uncomfortable? Or aroused?
Seriously, if you came out with that – and we were not amongst a group at the party – I would presume you were curious and take it from there.
If that situation had actually happened, I would’ve taken you up on your offer to “show and tell”.
I’m just sayin’.
I never said I’d show. Where’d you get that from????
You are a sleazy character aren’t you 🙂
I’m just sayin’.
Oh, go on then – take a look and see what you make of it!
I appolgize for being so forward.
Please forgive me.
I don’t think of myself as “sleazy”. I prefer the term “personal boundary challenged”.
Same product, different packaging.
Can I have my penis back, please?
Madame, off topic slightly (totally)- but clicking your name doesn’t link to your site. You need to add the ‘.com’ bit to the end of http://www.madamebitters.wordpress“.
you should be able to fix it easily in your dashboard.
Thats not a euphemism. Well, maybe it is.
No. It’s not.
Just sayin’.
I don’t have it. I thought you had it.
I hate it when I lose other people’s things!
E told me about the “.com” thing and I thought I’d fixed it. Guess not though. I’ll have to have another go at it.
I have a serious question for you: On your posts, you always have a lot of pics- ususally one after every paragraph. How do you load more than one pic? And how do you load them into the middle of posts?
I think my blog has too much text and that I need more pics to make the posts look less daunting.
I’ve lost my penis. Typical!
The picture thing:
When you are writing a post make sure you are in HTML view (instead of ‘Visual’)
Just put your cursor where you’d like to put a picture (say, in between paragraphs), click the ‘IMG’ tab and load the link to the image you wanna use.
Thats it. Simple.
If you wanna add images from your computer, you enter ‘Visual’ mode and follow the on screen prompts to upload images from your hard drive.
Put as many pictures as you want up.
The more the merrier!
It is nice to break up the flow of text with some pretty images to keep the reader from going mad. If you have any problems, just get in touch or use the bat signal.
“It is nice to break up the flow of text with some pretty images to keep the reader from going mad.”
A lady I know told me the same thing, almost word for word. Are you sure you aren’t really a middle aged Puerto Rican woman named Nellie?
I have another question for you: how can I put a link to another website in a post? Remember your 6 Degrees of George Kennedy post and how you had a link on there to some movie website? That’s what I’m talking about.
This is the last question I’ll ask about blogging, I promise. I know you aren’t tech support, and I really do appreciate your help.
If you have a baking question you’d like to ask me, feel free.
“Are you sure you aren’t really a middle aged Puerto Rican woman named Nellie?”
-Yes, I am indeed Nellie, the Puerto Rican woman who gave you that bit of timeless advice all those years ago. I
I’ve come to adopt you and bring you up as my child. A fully grown child.
I will call you Nellie Jnr. You can take care of me in my old age…..
“how can I put a link to another website in a post?”
– Easy. When you are writing down nonsense in your next posting, look for the tab that says “Link”. Enter the full address of the site you wanna link to and there ya go.
I like when you ask me questions. Makes me feel worthwhile and powerful like a Greek God!
No seriously, ask away anything you want to know. I’ve said it before: i’m learnin’ my way through all this blogging stuff just like you.
“If you have a baking question you’d like to ask me, feel free.”
– I do have one. Well, it’s more frying that baking:
When I’m making a fry the sausages/bacon always spit and go crazy on the pan. By the time I’m finished the walls are covered in cooking oil and my head and hands have been splashed.
Frying on a low setting and then slowly increasing the heat only leaves the food soggy.
Help me, Madame Bitters, help me survive another day of frying!
ANYTHING, huh? I’ll keep that in mind…..
Onto the frying question:
How much are you trying to fry at once and what size skillet are you using?
If you’re frying up a lot at one time and your only using a 9 or 10 inch skillet, that could explain the splashing.
Whenever I fry food in a skillet, I use one that’s 12 inches at least. I also use the kind of skillet with the high sides. They have a special name, but I can’t remember what it is.
Make sure the skillet and spatula are dry prior to frying. Don’t use any nonstick spray, it’s unnecessary what with the grease from the bacon and sausage.
Try frying on medium-high or medium until the food is fully cooked. Since you aren’t gradually increasing the heat, this should eliminate sogginess.
Whenever you fry food in a skillet, some of the grease will splatter out of the skillet. That’s just how it is. These tips should cut down on the splatter quite a bit though.
Not enough to fry in the nude, so don’t try it!
“ANYTHING, huh? I’ll keep that in mind…..”
– Well, as long as it doesn’t involve effort!
“Not enough to fry in the nude, so don’t try it!”
– That could lead to ‘incidents’ so I’ll follow your advice on taht one.
Then again, why would I want to fry in the nude?
What possible reason could I want to fry some sausage’s and bacon while naked?
It would be a crazy thing to do.
I’ll follow your tips. I said ‘tips’.
Thanks for the advice.
I don’t know, if you were a nudist you’d cook nude. And vaccum nude. And do the dishes and laundry nude. Of course, if you were a nudist you wouldn’t have much laundry, besides towels and stuff. Nudists do everything nude. Hence, the name.
Are you a nudist, JB? You can tell me; I’m open-minded and I wouldn’t think you were anymore of a freak than I already do.
Are you nude right now, as you read this? If not, will you get nude right now?
Just joking about the last part.
In all seriousness, at least wear a robe when you fry food. It’s just common sense.
Ok.
I will.
Thanks.