Tonight’s post concerns the fine art of entertaining. Before I begin, let me ask you, kind reader, a question:
Have you ever hosted a party?
You haven’t? Seriously?
Oh my God! You are such a loser! Excuse me while I collapse in derisive laughter……..
Whew!<wipes tear from eye> It’s been a long time since I’ve had a good laugh. Thank you for that.
Let get back to the subject at hand: parties, and how to throw a good one.
Now, I’m no Martha Stewart when it comes to entertaining. Or really anything else for that matter (I apologize if I misled any of you).
However, anyone who has ever had the privilege to attend one of my soirees will tell you what a grand time they had, and that my parties are legendary. And I wouldn’t be paying them to say it, either. That’s because I don’t have any money since no one has Donated any to me.
I suppose if I had to name someone as my entertainment role model, it would be Amy Sedaris. I own her book, I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence.
Consequently, some of the tips I pass on to you, lovely reader of my blog, may be in the aforementioned book. Thanks in advance, Amy Sedaris! (please don’t sue me)
- Every party you ever throw (including children’s parties, especially children’s parties) should have an ample supply of booze.
Beer and liquor (with their corresponding mixers) are must-haves at any party. It might be wise to have a few ‘sissy’ drinks like wine coolers, Zimas and Smirnoff Ice on hand for the ‘lightweights’
- If you have ‘good’ (expensive) booze, hide it.
Unless your party guests are people you want to impress, don’t waste your best booze on them.
Now that the most important thing (booze) has been covered, we can go onto other things. Like food.
- The most important thing at any party is alcohol.
Alcohol is the lifeblood of any good bash. It’s the lubricant that helps your party run smoothly. Spend most of your money procuring some. Whatever (if any) you have left can be spent on food.
- Don’t put a lot of effort into the party snacks. Unless you want to impress your guests or you just enjoy that kind of thing
Don’t forget what most people come to a party for: Free booze and the possibility of hooking up with someone.
If you go all out and make something like duck liver pate it will likely go unnoticed. And guess what: you feel under appreciated and then you get mad.
Good hosts/hostesses do not get mad at their guests. They get even by doing things to the offending guest’s refreshments and going through their purse/wallet.
Here are a few more tips you may find useful when you throw your bash:
- Invite an equal number of men and women. Guys don’t wanna attend a “sausage fest” any more than gals wanna go to a party than has fewer men than Bed, Bath and Beyond on Superbowl Sunday.
- Be sure to invite a diverse mix of people. This is the most vital part of throwing any party. Besides the booze, of course.
For instance, if you decide to invite your buddy who is an astronomer to the party consider inviting that friend of a friend who’s an astrologer. Introduce the two, step back, and wait for the sparks to fly! Here are a few more suggestions.
*A liberal who is pro-choice and a conservative, pro-lifer.
*An atheist and someone who has recently been “born again”.
*Your best friend, your best friend’s ex, and their respective new partners.
*A vegan and….well, anyone else who is normal.
If you make an interesting and diverse guest list, your party will be the better for it. You and your other guests may also get some free Jerry Springer-style entertainment. It beats shelling out money for strippers.
- A good party needs a complementary “soundtrack”
Let’s suppose you’re planning a rowdy, Animal-House kinda party, complete with kegs and a monkey (I don’t think there was a monkey in Animal House, but I think a monkey is a good addition to any rowdy party). What’s the worst music for this type of bash? Anything by Enya, Celine Dion, or those chanting monks.
Likewise, you may plan a party where you choose to invite some fairly conservative people. If this is the situation keep your Ludacris, Danzig and Skinny Puppy CDs far, far away from your sound system for the duration of the party.
- Consider throwing a “theme party” if that sort of thing appeals to you. They can be a blast with the right kind of people, and I’ve had great success with them. Here are some ideas:
*A Pimps and Hos Party: You need someone to go with. One of you needs to dress up and be the Pimp. The other needs to dress up and be the Ho. Flip a coin to decide
*White-trash Bash: Break out the cut-offs, tube tops, and Confederate Trucker caps. Decorate with old scratch-offs, NASCAR paraphernalia, rusted lawn furniture and last but not least, pink flamingos.
*A Pajama Party:This party can be a bit misleading. People show up in their pjs, night gowns, ect. Can be as tame (think flannel nightgowns and longjohns) or as risque (silky negligees, shortie pjs) as you like. It’s not a “slumber party” where everyone spends the night. That’s really not a “party”; it’s an orgy, which are fun as well.
*A Toga Party: Be warned; a Toga Party, like a Pajama Party, can also wander into “orgy territory” if you aren’t vigilant. Not that this is always a bad thing, though.
*An 80’s Party (or 70’s party or 90’s party): Dress up in the style (or a popular person) from the designated decade.
- Set a strict time for the party to end. Enforce it.
If you say something like, “The party starts at 6-ish and goes on until question marks,” a few of your guests will not leave, perhaps for days. They either won’t notice the hints you give them to get the hell out or they’ll willfully ignore them.
I learned this lesson the hard way. I didn’t set a strict departure time for my party guests. The party that I thought would only last a few hours went on for two days. The stragglers only left when the booze was gone.
Well, kids, that’s it.
At least I think that’s it.
Shit, did I forget anything?
If I did forget something(s) I will write a new post listing the things I forgot on this post.
A “Part II,” if you will.
Goodnight, my minions. And don’t forget to Donate to my fund! I haven’t thought of a catchy name for said fund yet, but don’t let that stop you.
Giving me money is just a couple of mouse clicks away! 🙂