The Starving Bulls**t Artist

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The Worst Thing About Valentine’s Day February 14, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — madamebitters @ 5:07 am
These candies are over 100 years old. I hope I age that well.

These candies are over 100 years old. I hope I age that well.

Well, it’s the day before Valentines’ Day.

Are you ready?

Have you gotten your significant other some good stuff?

Flowers? Candy? Cutesy stuffed animals? A gun rack? An oil change? Stamps?

You have? Well, it sounds like you’re all set. Good boy/girl.

I just wanted to get that out of the way before I begin this post, just as a little reminder. I don’t want anyone to get put in the proverbial ‘dog house’.

Now, with that out of the way I can start in good conscience.

This post is dedicated to my intense dislike of Valentine’s Day.

Now, I know what you’re thinking because I always know what you’re thinking.  And don’t look so shocked; frankly, it’s not that hard. You’re wondering why I don’t like Valentines Day.

Some of you think you know the answer to the question. I can see your smug, self-satisfied grin. You think it’s because I don’t have a significant other and that’s just not true.

 I don’t have a significant other- that part is true. But that’s not why I hate Valentine’s Day, smarty pants. I’ve come to terms with being alone. Sorta like the final stage of dying- acceptance. The fact that I’ll likely die alone, unloved and unmourned is something I’m cool with.

No, my problem with Valentines Day is something less insidious and therefore much more sinister: NECCO Candy Hearts. Otherwise known as Conversation Hearts, they are a staple of the Valentine tradition.

Now, you may not know this but these chalky tasting, message bearing little candies have been around for over 100 years. Literally.

When Conversation Hearts were invented over 100 years ago, NECCO made many billions of them at one time. Then they shut down the factory where these heart candies were manufactured for some unknown reason.

I have a theory on why the factory was shut down and it involves child labor, monkey slaves, and heroin (which, by the way was perfectly legal back then. As was child labor. I’m not sure about the enslavement of monkeys, though. I’ll have to check on that and get back to you). I’m pretty sure the Teapot Dome Scandal was involved in one way or another, too.

So what became of the billions and billions of NECCO Hearts? They’re still being sold today, at a retailer near you. Every NECCO Conversation heart you’ve ever eaten in your life  has come from that original batch, made over 100 years ago. That’s why they taste like a box of chalk

Did you know each color Conversation Hearts is supposed to  represent a different flavor? I’ll bet you thought they all tasted like the same flavor of shit.  Here they are:

  • Pink—Cherry
  • Yellow—Banana
  • Orange—Orange
  • Green—Lemon
  • Purple—Grape
  • White—Wintergreen

Remember that when you’re choking down these chalky little sentiments tomorrow.

Here’s a bit of advice for next Valentines Day: Skip on the NECCO Conversation Hearts and get your significant other something much more useful- TUMS.

 Not only will it kill the indigestion they’ll develop after the homemade candlelit dinner that you prepared, they’ll also get a full serving of calcium. It’s win/win!

As for me, I think I’ll give myself a mani/pedi, have a nice cup of chamomile tea and then go to bed.



17 Responses to “The Worst Thing About Valentine’s Day”

  1. jesusbudda Says:

    I liked the updated ones they made with stuff like “bitch” and “die scum” written on them. It helped balance out the lovey dovey stuff.

    Did I hear tea?
    Just the regular tea for me, Madame. Lots of milk. No sugar. And none of your fancy stuff.

    Valentines day seems to bring out the real uglies, doesn’t it? The fat, smelly, deformed midget couples all appear out of the woodwork holding hands and waving shitty love heart balloons.
    I guess its the time of year most children of ugly people are conceived.

    I’ll be round to your house later for that drink and a massage. For me. Get those hands oiled up.

    • missfierce Says:

      There are also naughty conversation hearts. I don’t think its necessary to go into detail- I’m sure you can imagine. Because you’re a pretty imaginative fellow, right?

      That’s funny, I don’t remember mentioning anything about a massage.

      In fact, I don’t remember inviting you over at all. For tea or anything else for that matter. Cocky little bastard, aren’t you?

      I did mention giving myself a mani/pedi (manicure/pedicure). If you insist on inviting yourself over, I could give you a mani/pedi if you like. Afterward we can do eachother’s hair, bake cookies and gossip about mutual aquatinces.

      Perhaps after that we can pracitce kissing on eachother.

  2. eksith Says:

    Oh my!
    Here’s a Catch 22 for Jesus Budda…
    Either way, he has to give up something: Manhood or Kiss. You’ve put him in quite a bind, Madame Bitters!

    Valentine’s Day summerised:

    I don’t know anything about St. Valentine. I guess he’s the patron saint of overpriced greeting cards.


    I know I make you nauseous. Heres’s a Tums with ‘Hug Me’ written on it

    I think Jim Gaffigan has captured my sentiments exactly.

  3. jesusbudda Says:

    “That’s funny, I don’t remember mentioning anything about a massage.”

    – Re-read your posting. And then re-edit it to include the line “a massage for my good friend Jesus Budda”. See?
    It’s there now.

    “n fact, I don’t remember inviting you over at all. For tea or anything else for that matter. Cocky little bastard, aren’t you?”

    – I’m not cocky. I just like inviting myself round for tea and massages, thats all.

    “Perhaps after that we can pracitce kissing on eachother.”

    – If you want. No pressure. I’ll be happy enough with the cookies and tea.
    My nails could do with a mani/pedi. Be gentle. I love my nails and hate pain.

    Now your turn, Eksith:
    “Either way, he has to give up something: Manhood or Kiss. You’ve put him in quite a bind, Madame Bitters!”

    – “Quite a bind”? I don’t like being tied up. Not my style. Not that I have any style, to be honest.

  4. missfierce Says:

    Look, I can’t promise a pain free mani/pedi. In fact, it’s pretty close to immposible. It’s painful to be beautiful and beauty isn’t for wimps.

    I am constantly in pain.;)

    I can promise that your feet and hands will look fabulous just in time for sandal season.

    As for the cookies, I’m partial to choc. chip but I also have good recipes for oatmeal raisin and peanut butter. It’s your call because you’re my guest. See, I’m a good host even to those who invite themselves over.

    As for you Eksith, you may come over too. For cookies, tea, and nail care. There will be no kissing, though.

  5. eksith Says:

    “There will be no kissing, though”
    Dumped again…

    • missfierce Says:

      Stop trying to make me feel guilty! You know I can’t say no when you give me those Puppydog eyes.

      Hurry up and put your horn-rimmed glasses with the coke bottle lenses back on, okay? Whew! That was a close one.

  6. jesusbudda Says:

    She loves me…she loves me not…she loves me….

    Ever get acupuncture done on yourself?
    Most painful part is in the toes.A numbing dull ache when they stick those pins in between your big toe and the one beside it (whatever it’s called).

    I don’t like my nails being touched. Freaks me out.
    A massage or nothing. Your choice. You’ll be missing out on getting to rub me all over if you don’t take up the offer.

    Chocolate chip cookies sound nice. A few of the and a cup of tea. Then the massage and whatever follows. Probably more tea and cookies.

    I’ll save a few cookies for my good friend Eksith.

    • missfierce Says:

      Never had acupuncture before, but I don’t think it’s supposed to hurt.

      About that massage: as much as I’d love to oil up my hands and then rub down you soft, pasty white body, illusion have to pass. Not because I don’t want to, but for your own safety.

      My hands are small, but they’re very strong. I don’t think you could handle my “Kung fu” grip.

      Don’t let that stop you from giving ME a massage, though.

  7. jesusbudda Says:

    Small ahdns just make other things look bigger.
    Just sayin’, thats all.

  8. jesusbudda Says:

    I meant to type ‘hands’ not ahdns’.
    Not dyslexic just crazy hands, thats all.

    I’ll give you one.
    A massage. I have large hands. I’ve been growing them since I was a child.

  9. missfierce Says:

    “Small hands make other things look bigger.”

    What things? Your feet?

    “I have large hands. I’ve been growing them since I was a child.”

    Large hands are good, especaially for massages. Are they strong? I’m very tense and I’ve got some knotted up muscles.

  10. jesusbudda Says:

    Strong hands?
    Don’t know. They can hold things, i think.

    Let me test them out.

    Yeah, can lift a chair. Give me a second.

    Yep, the computer monitor too. And it’s one of those old ones – not an LCD one.

    The laptop is easily lifted by these hands too. Suppose they’re pretty strong.

    I suppose I’d be able to work those knots out for you.

    My feet look like flippers.
    I don’t know why. They just do. I can’t swim so they’re not much use really.

    I don’t really get the whole toe sucking thing (I know nobody has mentioned toe sucking but I just felt like bringing it up).
    Finger sucking, maybe. Toe sucking, no thanks.

    So, the massage?
    When would suit ya?
    I can come around to your place, maybe, next Monday. Or Tuesday.

    • missfierce Says:

      Toe sucking is a waste of time. It doesn’t feel good- just gross. And it tickles, which isn’t arousing at all. Yes, I am speaking from experience.

      As for the massage, the sooner the better. I’ll have tea with milk and some hommemade pound cake waiting for you

  11. jesusbudda Says:

    I don’t know what pound cake is so I’ll have to decline.

    Thats a strange word, isn’t it.

    I never say that word. Weird. Why would I type something that I wouldn’t dream of saying in real life?

    I just don’t get toe sucking. I don’t know about you but my toe doesn’t have much feeling really. It just sticks out of my foot. Not much else.

    Why would I say such a thing?

  12. missfierce Says:

    pound cake is a rich, buttery cake with no icing so it’s not as sweet as regular cake. It got it’s name from the measurements in the traditional recipie: a pound of flour, pound of sugar, pound of butter.

    See, you learned something new today. Talking to me isn’t a complete waste of time, is it?

    I’ll say it again: toe sucking is terrible, especially if you’re feet are tickilish. Then it’s pure torture.

    You know what’s really nice though: getting your earlobes kissed. That’s nice. Most girls don’t like it because they usually wear earrings. I don’t wear them so it’s not a problem for me.

    On a completely different subject, there are all kinds of teas out there that are supposed to taste different from eachother, but I can’t tell any difference. Like English Breakfast and Earl Grey. They taste the same to me.

    Can you tell the difference? I’m asking you because you’re the only person I know who drinks hot tea regularly.

  13. jesusbudda Says:

    Whats English Breakfast? Are you talking about some fancy sort of tea? I’ve never heard of that.

    I just drink regular tea. From Kenya. Or somewhere.

    Your ear lobe point is interesting. I too am a lover of earlobes. I’ve never heard someone talk of it before really. Good for you. I love earlobes.
    A little bit of earlobe licking never harmed anyone.
    Well, that I know of. Maybe someone died once from it.
    Maybe thats why it’s not the sort of thing that pops up ion converstations that often?

    Thanks for the pound cake definition. I feel happy now that i’ve expanded my knowledge for the day.

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