Well, it’s the day before Valentines’ Day.
Are you ready?
Have you gotten your significant other some good stuff?
Flowers? Candy? Cutesy stuffed animals? A gun rack? An oil change? Stamps?
You have? Well, it sounds like you’re all set. Good boy/girl.
I just wanted to get that out of the way before I begin this post, just as a little reminder. I don’t want anyone to get put in the proverbial ‘dog house’.
Now, with that out of the way I can start in good conscience.
This post is dedicated to my intense dislike of Valentine’s Day.
Now, I know what you’re thinking because I always know what you’re thinking. And don’t look so shocked; frankly, it’s not that hard. You’re wondering why I don’t like Valentines Day.
Some of you think you know the answer to the question. I can see your smug, self-satisfied grin. You think it’s because I don’t have a significant other and that’s just not true.
I don’t have a significant other- that part is true. But that’s not why I hate Valentine’s Day, smarty pants. I’ve come to terms with being alone. Sorta like the final stage of dying- acceptance. The fact that I’ll likely die alone, unloved and unmourned is something I’m cool with.
No, my problem with Valentines Day is something less insidious and therefore much more sinister: NECCO Candy Hearts. Otherwise known as Conversation Hearts, they are a staple of the Valentine tradition.
Now, you may not know this but these chalky tasting, message bearing little candies have been around for over 100 years. Literally.
When Conversation Hearts were invented over 100 years ago, NECCO made many billions of them at one time. Then they shut down the factory where these heart candies were manufactured for some unknown reason.
I have a theory on why the factory was shut down and it involves child labor, monkey slaves, and heroin (which, by the way was perfectly legal back then. As was child labor. I’m not sure about the enslavement of monkeys, though. I’ll have to check on that and get back to you). I’m pretty sure the Teapot Dome Scandal was involved in one way or another, too.
So what became of the billions and billions of NECCO Hearts? They’re still being sold today, at a retailer near you. Every NECCO Conversation heart you’ve ever eaten in your life has come from that original batch, made over 100 years ago. That’s why they taste like a box of chalk
Did you know each color Conversation Hearts is supposed to represent a different flavor? I’ll bet you thought they all tasted like the same flavor of shit. Here they are:
Remember that when you’re choking down these chalky little sentiments tomorrow.
Here’s a bit of advice for next Valentines Day: Skip on the NECCO Conversation Hearts and get your significant other something much more useful- TUMS.
Not only will it kill the indigestion they’ll develop after the homemade candlelit dinner that you prepared, they’ll also get a full serving of calcium. It’s win/win!
As for me, I think I’ll give myself a mani/pedi, have a nice cup of chamomile tea and then go to bed.