The Starving Bulls**t Artist

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My First Time… February 7, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — madamebitters @ 5:02 am


I wrote a post a few days ago concerning my origins as a Pod Person and upbringing in a CIA laboratory. Since that post went up, I’ve had people say to me, “Whoa, you must have some great stories. When are you gonna tell some of them?”

For those of you just joining us, there is a page on the sidebar titled, Where I Came From. Click on it, read it and then you’ll be up to speed.

In fact, if you don’t know my history stop reading  this post right now. Take time to familiarize yourself with my story by clicking on the previously mentioned page, Where I Came From before going any further. You’ll only be confused by this post if you don’t. So, go on, newbies. We’ll see you soon.

For those of you in the know, I do have some interesting stories to tell. Perhaps interesting is the wrong word to use in this statement. I think a better word to use would be horrible. Yes, that’s a much better fit.

One of these stories is about my first sexual experience. I alluded to it in the Where I Came From post and now I think I’ll go into more detail. This isn’t because I’m in a confessional frame of mind; it’s because I have nothing else to write about. So here we go.

I (and my fellow pod people- we’ll call them “podolecents”) were all sixteen when it happened. For about four years the boy and girl podolecents had been separated from each other.

It wasn’t a strict splitting of the sexes; we still were schooled together, we ate our meals together and we had some social interaction together. Things were definitely different, though and everyone knew it.

Now I don’t know if I mentioned this previously, but none of the pod people had names, like John or Jane, for example. We went by numbers and were organized by them. I was 235.

There was a pod boy that I had grown close to simply because our numbers were next to each other on role call. He was 249. Now, I realize there’s 14 spaces between us, but since the Sloppy Joe Massacre happened a few months before this, our numbers had thinned down considerably.

249 was definitely a cutie and I knew he felt the same way about me. We always found ways to “coincidentally” sit next to each other.  And if his hands happened to find their way into my jumpsuit (and vice versa) well, that was just a happy accident, wasn’t it?

After a couple of months of our awkward courtship, neither 249 or I were happy with second base anymore. We wanted more and one evening we got our opportunity.

It was movie night at the lab. I think they were showing Lady and the Tramp  or some stupid shit.  We sneaked off to the boys’ dorm a few minutes into the film.

We started making out heavy on 249’s cot. In a matter of minutes our jumpsuits and undergarments were on the floor and we layed naked upon his cot. We looked at each other’s bodies, as it was the first time either of us had seen a person of the opposite sex without clothes on.

The first time I saw an erection I was more than a little shocked, even though I had no idea what to expect. It was strange enough to me that his penis was standing straight up by itself,  but I was also surprised by his testicles. They reminded me of little beanbags.

He seemed just as fascinated with my body. I don’t know how long we stared at each other, but it couldn’t have been too long. Teenage boys aren’t exactly known for their staying power, are they?

Anyway he got on top of me and I spread my legs a little more. It’s odd how strong the instinct is to breed in humans and pod people alike. Neither of us knew a thing about the mechanics of sex, like how to get things going or what went where. But on that cot, it was like 249 and I had at least seen a couple of educational film strips on the subject. Which we hadn’t.

When he entered me I bit my lip to keep from crying out; not from pleasure but from pain. I looked up at 249 to see if might have been in pain too. He was not. It looked like he was having a hell of a time, as a matter of fact. This struck me as hugely unfair at the time and it still does today.

It didn’t last long. He groaned and then collapsed on top of  me. I pinched the back of his neck and I told him to get off. When he rolled off of me  and started getting dressed I saw the huge grin on his face.

“That was awesome!”

“Yeah, I guess.” My tone was less than enthusiastic. When I got up  I  felt a twinge between my legs. There was blood on the quilt. My blood. “You made me bleed!” I yelled.

249 looked at the quilt. “Yeah, I guess I did. Did I hurt you or something?” he asked.

“Oh, you think?! You made me bleed my own blood, so yeah, I guess it hurt a little. You’re such an idiot.”

249 looked genuinely perplexed. “What’s wrong? I didn’t know that would happen.”

“Yeah, neither did I. Do you think I would’ve done it if I had?”

“Sorry. It’s not like it’s a lot of blood, or anything.” And then he turned his back to me.

That’s when I jumped over his cot and tackled him . He was clawing at me, but I was on his back. I had a good grip on his hair and I wasn’t about to let go. I smashed his head on the floor of the boys’ dormitory until most of his brain and skull lay on the cold tile. Then I twisted his neck until I heard it crack, just for good measure.

There’s not much to tell after that. I was punished for sneaking away for illicit sex during movie night and for killing one of my fellow podolecents. After the scientisits were certain I had learned my lesson, one of them sat me down and told me “the Facts of Life”.

It definitely cleared up some things and it would have been handy information to have at the time. I’m still not sorry about savagely killing 249, though.


One Response to “My First Time…”

  1. jesusbudda Says:

    He deserved it. Bastard!

    You’ll be happy to know that I felt a twinge from my magic wand while reading that story but felt a bit strange about this what with the mention of things like “cots” and “jumpsuits”.

    Oh, and your description of a penis is totally unrealistic.
    You never mentioned the buttons or dials or even the flashing neon strobe lights that come with them.

    Ah well, theres always number 248.

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